Jart in My Head

I Now Pronounce you Bride of Frankenstein and Ghost Pirate

2007-10-30T12:08:00.000-04:00

Although this is outside the normal scope of the blog, I would be remiss in not mentioning the Halloween costume wedding that my friends had a few years ago. Not only did they manage to have an amazingly cool wedding, but they insisted that everyone - and I mean everyone - wear a costume. Amazingly enough, people actually abided by their wishes - although not without some arm twisting. Not one person showed up without a costume!They held the event at a local club with a light up disco floor, which is where they said their vows. And the cake? Even their cake had a Halloween theme, comlete with orange frosting, skeleton bride and groom, skulls, and tombstones!The best thing about the wedding was that it was fun, and not in that uncomfortable way that other weddings are fun. You're always too worried about how you look or spilling something on your good clothes, and you can't wait to get home so you can change your clothes and relax.

I took the previous photos. But take a look at the following photos taken by the official photographer Matt Robbins. He's an awesome photographer and did a great job. Here are some of my favorite shots and some of my favorite costumes.

The bride of Frankenstein and Ghost Pirate groom stab the wedding cake Swampman and Bride of Swampman were covered in real moss Love the skeleton Jesus with Christmas light crown of thorns It's Ape vs Present in a fight to the death on the disco floor Psycho eyesChinese Hopping Vampires swarm the bride and groom Nice costume Bride goes insane He has no face! The eye patch, the sock garters, oh my! The Hamburgler shares his hamburgers with an uninterested patron The problem with being a present creepy 'stache Funny face fencer

Halloween Fun with Dr. Spektor and Little Lulu

2007-10-25T23:32:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why I have Little Lulu comics because I don't care for her. No siree, I don't care for her at all. I do remember reading this Golden Comics Digest repeatedly though. It's an all Halloween issue, so that somehow made it more interesting.

I didn't find Little Lulu or Tubby to be funny. This is a sample of the typical Halloween shenanigans Tubby and Little Lulu experience throughout the digest. What I enjoy about Tubby's costume is that the plastic mask is able to change expression depending on his mood. Quite rare for masks of that era.
Unfortunately Tubby is upset that Little Lulu was not fooled by his costume. Might I suggest he pay more attention to his costume? I suspect he is the only ghost running around wearing a sailor hat .

But here is where the Halloween Fun issue gets good. Someone wisely included some fantastic Halloween action for the kids. This is a neat-o idea, as long as the kids don't accidentally get lemon juice in their eyes. It stings like hell, but it's worth the risk. What kid wouldn't love the idea of writing secret notes?

For those who like haunted houses and mazes, here we see Little Lulu and Tubby do their best Scooby and Shaggy imitation. The only difference is that these ghosts look real, not like something done by a rancher with a movie projector. Run Tubby Run!
Hey, it's Dr. Spektor and his special on Spirit Photography! Now we're talking!! And we know this is seriously spooky stuff because not only is the Doctor dressed in olde tyme clothes, but in the first panel he states that he has devoted his entire life to the study of the occult. Awesome!

Note that the upper right drawing states, "Many spirit photographs however....like this shot..." I like how they want kids to look at it as if it's real, not just a drawing done by someone who may or may not have seen a copy of the actual photo.
I would have enjoyed a whole comic digest full of this stuff. Dr. Spektor rules!!

The mystery of Patience Worth would have been more appealing if it had been done in comic panels, like the feature on spirit photographs. The story is one of ouija boards, reincarnation, disembodied spirits, and mediums.

While I may not be thrilled by Tubby and his pliable ghost face, the rest of the digest was definitely cool.

You'll Die Laughing...Uh No I Won't

2007-10-18T23:13:00.000-04:00

As a child in the seventies, I spent much of my allowance on bubblegum cards. And what could be more appealing to a kid than bubblegum cards with monsters on them? Nothing! Not one damn thing. At least that was the initial thought in my young mind when I picked up a pack of "You'll Die Laughing" monster cards.

However once I opened the waxy paper pack and breathed in the lovely smell of the hard rectangle of pink bubblegum, one thing became readily apparent. The cards were much cooler before I actually looked at them.
It's an awesome classic wolfman photo, hooray!! But what's that say under his photo? Hair restorer?

Even as a kid, I didn't think that was even remotely funny. I'm not sure if it's really just not funny, if it's more a 1950s kind of funny, or if it's because when I was about ten my dad said, "Hey kids, there's this new show that's supposed to be really funny. It's called Monty Pythons Flying Circus." That definitely ruined me for white bread comedy.
This photo still creeps me out. Nothing funny about a skinless guy wondering why a girl has rejected him. In fact, I give Susan a lot of credit for trying to let him down easy, rather than immediately running away, screaming in horror. Susan is so thoughtful.
I can't even think of anything to say about the Creature from the Black Lagoon singing opera.
So the concierge comes into the room, sees the bloody remains of the woman who rented the room last night and politely asks her skeleton to leave. The fact that he is unphased by this type of scene makes me wonder what condition he normally finds the hotel guests in. He scares me.
And as if the lines on the front of the cards weren't bad enough, we get more jokes on the backs of the cards.

Not trying to rain on anyone's parade here, but kids love monsters. So why not give them cool photos without the unfunny lines underneath them. I only bought one pack of these cards because of those damn Vegas jokes under the cool monster photos.

Haunted House of Flying Walnuts

2007-10-15T12:59:00.000-04:00

What better time of the year to read stories about Haunted Houses than October? This book was offered in the early 70s through my grade school's book fair. What kid wouldn't want to read about ghosts?
The best section is titled "The Ghosts that Were Photographed," and includes a photo from Raynham Hall in England in the year 1936. As a kid I was mesmerized by this photo of what is supposedly a veiled figure descending the staircase. The thought of being in a spooky old mansion, looking up and seeing a ghost coming towards was super scary.
The coolest story was about the farm poltergeist in Hartville, Missouri. Little Betty Ruth and her grandmother were cracking walnuts when all of a sudden, walnuts were flying left and right! Poor grandma even got a few walnuts to the skull,which almost broke her glasses. The drawing portrays a whimsical walnut ballet. Guess it's better to leave kids with this image than that of a maniacal poltergeist reigning blows upon an innocent little old lady in a rocking chair.
This diagram maps the mischief of the Bottle Popping Poltergeist by documenting each bottle he moved and the trajectory each object took - oddly compelling, yet utterly useless. If only they had mapped the flying walnut incident.

More Halloween Mask Madness

2007-10-09T16:30:00.000-04:00

In keeping with the Johnson Smith Company's spectacular not-so-realistic rubber masks of the 1970s, comes this second wave of horror. These appeared in the 1977 catalog. The color pages of the catalog were the coolest since they contained photos rather than line drawings.
More deluxe masks, two of which appeared previously in the 1975 catalog. I'm glad to see that all the masks boast "heavy simulated hair". Yes sir, there's nothing the kids love more than encasing their heads in rubber covered in questionable fun fur. I'm surprised to see the catalog is still using the same drawing for the inebriated, radioactive Santa mask. Joy of all joys, this catalog has a photo of the deluxe Planet of the Apes mask! He looks so happy and cute, sort of like a baby opposum whose eyes haven't quite opened yet. Isn't he a cute little ape mask? Yes he is, but there is also something about him that is quite disturbing. Speaking of highly disturbing, dare we look at the Deluxe Werewolf mask? Our werewolf has a serious hair issue. I have never seen a werewolf with striped fur. It is confusing and distracting. How very unscary. I wonder if this affliction affects his entire body or only his skull? Kids from near and far will make up cruel playground chants about the Werewolf with the Stripe-y Head. But I don't mean to rain on the werewolf parade. I'm sure he was very scary to small children in the more innocent, drug induced haze of the 1970s. Onward and upward to the Deluxe Demon mask! I'm thinking that if your friend said, "Hey, I've got a deluxe demon mask" you'd be expecting something horrific-ly terrifying! Your knees would knock just thinking about the super scary mask that would be foisted upon your eyes Halloween night. Then he'd show up with this thing on his noggin and you'd immediately have to beat the bejeezus out of him and steal his candy. Calling this mask a Demon is completely misleading. Let's be perfectly honest here. Demon's are scary. This mask is not. Therefore, this mask is not a demon. It would be far more accurate to call this mask the Deluxe Green Haired, Limited Intellect Ape with Candy Dispensing Nostrils.

This brings us somehow to the Professional Star Trek masks. These masks were supposedly done from life masks of Spock and Kirk. I don't ever remember seeing a kid wearing one of these. In 1977 Star Trek was in reruns, so it's not like kids didn't know who they were. But it probably wasn't as cool as costumes of current tv stars or super heroes.

Most kids I knew bought costumes in a box. I dont' even remember rubber masks being available in any local stores. Plus if you bought the rubber mask, then you needed to come up with the appropriate costume. So it was easier just to buy the box that included a costume and cheapie plastic mask.Not a bad Spock mask at all. I'm not sure how this would look on a kid, but there's no mistaking the strange bowl haircut and point ears. But Kirk, what the hell? I would never know this was Captain Kirk. He looks sort of old, feeble minded, and oh I don't know, like there's something really wrong with him. He's giving me the creeps. I keep expecting to see him standing outside my house with a large knife. Why would I ever worry about Captain Kirk being a serial killer? Kirk isn't known for slashing teenagers, just his shirts to show off his ample pseudo-muscley chest. So why is he scaring me? Yikes!That's right. Micheal Myers is Captain Kirk! Aaaarrrgghhh!!! Can you imagine the poor Trekker who bought a Kirk mask and after Halloween came out had kids runnign and screaming in horror when they saw him (even though he stated the prime directive of not interferring in life on your planet, which would include not stabbing you?) Now that's a creepy nightmare in action!

1975 Johnson Smith Co. Catalog Corners Realistic Rubber Mask Market

2007-10-06T13:50:00.000-04:00

In 1974 I ordered a huge Bela Lugosi poster from the Johnson Smith Company, which got me on their mailing list, such as it was. The Johnson Smith catalog was a kids dream. It was all the crappy stuff advertised in comic books and so much more. You could buy magic tricks, karate technique books, black light posters, fake vampire blood, ventriloquist dummies, and many other strange and wonderful things.

I always wanted to buy some of their Halloween masks, but it was next to impossible since I went through my allowance within a day. Plus with an allowance of fifty cents, there was no way for me to snag the three dollar and ninety five cent gorilla mask. I guess it's a good thing since I suspect that the masks were not as life-like as the drawings in the ad. (Yes, I said DRAWINGS!? They didn't even dare to show them to kids, how good could they be?!)

What a fine selection of masks, you admiringly say. But may I advise you to take a closer look? The Bridal Skull mask always creeped me out, what with the upsidedown cupcake baking cup on her head. And what about Frankenstein? His expression looks like your best friend's chain smoking mom when she was mad about him tracking mud all over the freshly cleaned linoleum floor. But worst of all is the pathetic vampire on the far right. First off, he appears to have a very nasty head wound. Second, there's nothing scary about a vampire who's facial expression and slack jaw make him appear to have the intellect of an inbred hillbilly. Third, he looks extremely tired, as if when you ran away, he'd have to sit down, hold his side, and catch his breath. Lastly, he reminds me of Don Rickles, and there ain't nothing scary about Don - I'm talking Vegas Rickles, not mobster or vampire Rickles here.

These masks boastfully claim to be made by European craftsmen and look like a professional Hollywood makeup job. Supposedly you can eat, laugh, and talk while wearing these. What kid wouldn't want to be a dirty old man or dirty old woman? My friends and I used to beg, kick, and scream for our parents to buy us the super old grizzled grandparent masks. But every year we had to be monsters, superheros, and pirates. What a ripoff!

When I was a kid, I always wanted a bald head wig. I'm not sure why, it just seemed really funny. But this is one wig that I found creep-o-liciously disturbing. It claims to be undetectable without a close look. Uh, yeah, okay. I hate to be the one to tell them, but adding ginormous oversized ears -that they refer to as cauliflower but look more like Spock - and strange scraggly hair to a bald wig does not make for a very realistic sight. And while it claims to cover sideburns, we can clearly see the guy's not so long side burns sticking out from under part of the wig. The shame! Run away! Run away!

These are a product I always wanted to own. Can you imagine walking around with gorrilla hands and feet? And the feet slip on over your shoes!! That would certainly make you look very strange as you padded along the street, all gorrilla like, grabbing things with your big oversized rubbery go-rilla hands. Although I am a bit concerned with the description as it states that the hands and feet "never fail to incite most violent reaction." All I can picture is someone ripping my gorilla hands and feet off, and beating me insanely about the cranium with them. There that'll show you, you damn dirty ape!

Speaking of damn dirty apes, as a kid who was a major fan of the Planet of the Apes tv show, I really wanted this realistic deluxe ape mask, with real ape hair. They killed millions of apes just to make these masks. Johnson Smith calls it the finest ape mask they've ever seen, which makes me assume that they made it a point to never look at any other ape masks, ever! Because unlike their view that this realistic ape mask could be used in Hollywood, it looks to me like it should be called the dead grandpa ape mask, and is for those who want to pretend to be a mentally challenged ape or those who would like to pretend to be doctors performing ape autopsies.

Hey kids, isn't it funny to pretend to have a disfiguring accident? What is truly disturbing is that one of the recommended uses is wearing it while driving a car! How can you see out of the disfiguring accident mask? Isn't it a bit prophetic to drive while wearing it? Little Jimmy was wearing his Horrible Accident Disguise, when his car sailed off the road, burst into flames, and landed in the McGillicuddy's backyard during their barbeque for local orphans. Hilarity ensued.

And what kid doesn't want a major political figure mask? And Kissinger is just the best, what with the accent, extra weight, and thick glasses. Plus it's made by European craftsmen and it's deluxe, so it's gotta be good! You know Mable, my Johnny wore the Kissinger mask on our trip to Washington DC. And the mask was so realistic, don't you know, that he held three press conferences and advised the president on the Vietnam War!

Johnson Smith claims this is the best Santa mask they've seen under $25, and that it is made by experts in West Germany. But what I really want to know is what the hell is going on with this Santa mask? Looks like old Santa's either totally plastered or has fallen face first onto the belt sander, which I suppose could have happened due to excessive alcohol consumption. I really suspect that Santa put his head too close to his plutonium powered sleigh to get this type of radiation burn.

And while this is not a mask, it certainly is a costume. The catalog says you can be "transformed into a hilarious clown in seconds." Yes, the hilarity just rolls right off this fella. Just looking at his face, I can hear the honking of his horn and the flip flap of his enormous shoes. Ow my side! I can't wait to take him to my next neighborhood meeting and watch the hijinks begin.

Hope you enjoyed Johnson Smith Co's 1975 mask offerings. Any nightmares induced by the viewing of said realistic rubber, crafted by Europeans, spooky masks means you've got some issues.

Halloween Excitement - Superbaby vs. the Pumpkin Gang!

2007-10-04T13:32:00.000-04:00

What could be better than a story about a toddler taking on a group of gun toting thugs?
How about a toddler named Clark Kent versus a group of machine gun toting thugs with pumpkins on their heads!

That's right folks, ramp up the excitement meter because there's nothing like a young child from another planet hanging out alone in an alley, who stumbles across some criminals with fruit on their skulls!

Click on the picture to see the amazing interaction.

Halloween Countdown - Three Investigators Are Deaf and Violent

2007-10-03T23:56:00.000-04:00

In honor of Halloween, I'm going to try to post every day. Let's hope this goes well and that the old gang used the RSS feed so that someone will enjoy the offering of 1970s Halloween goodness, or evilness if you prefer.

Here are two Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators books I found at the Goodwill this summer. The investigators appearances have gotten a slight upgrade from other covers I've posted in the past.

Johnny West

2007-01-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

I opened a box the other day and found this relic from my 1970s Johnny West figures. It's a poster around 10x20 and the only thing I have left.

Well, except for these photos, which for the life of me I can't understand why I felt compelled to photograph them.

No one shall mention the fact that Jay West is clad in a cape from a superhero doll that I had.

Also there shall be no mention of the two Tarzan dolls in the front, which are from he same line as the superhero who provided Jay with the cape. One Tarzan was my brothers. We could never tell which Tarzan was which - until my brother left his Tarzan sitting on top of a light in his room and Tarzan's leg melted against the bulb. He probably would have melted further if we hadn't smelled that horrible burning plastic odor.

The Comic Ad Lied!!

2006-11-24T14:48:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid I loved to look at the ads in the comic books. Everything looked really neat. I thought it would be so cool to own the items advertised and how much fun it would be to show it to my friends. However, things are not always as they seem, especially in the world of comic advertising circa 1970.

Everyone loves a magician's sleight of hand tricks, and what better way to be a magician than to own his hat? All you do is place the hat made of wire and top quality silk on your head and presto chango - you're a magician!. Once again, a disappointment for kids who thought that somehow this would help them to do magic tricks.
Holy moly!! It's the Magne Power Ring! And it comes with the Magne Actuator!! Oh yeah, I'm going to be magne-ing the hell out of anything I can get my hands on. You know, I'm not really sure what a Magne Power Ring does, or what Magne itself is. But judging from the ad, apparently it's something that can turn devices on and off....like you'd can do with an on/off switch.....and your finger.
During the Decade of Steve Austin-ism, all you needed to turn products into gold was to dub them bionic. But this ad says the hand is bi-onic. Is that the same as bionic? Does one hyphen make a difference? How big is it? How does it work? If I hit the bully from Miss Sawyers class during recess, will it go straight through his skull?

I am skeptical that $1.00 can buy a bi-onic hand when Oscar Goldman had to shell out six million dollars for Steve's bionics. It's not like the government is going to pay millions of dollars for a $1.00 hand..... oh. Um, well, if bi-onic hands were $1.00 back in the 70s, we all should have been rolling in bionic hands. And in case you were wondering, we weren't.

Romero, Romero...wherefore art thou Romero?

2006-11-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

I'm still in the spirit of Halloween. So here are a few more George Romero film posters for you to gaze upon.

Oh Dracula, Your Fangs Are Delicious

2006-11-06T18:07:00.000-05:00

My favorite illustrations from my Scholastic book fair horror books are the ones in Dracula. The purple colored drawings by Harry Borgman are amazing. Here are my favorites.

I thought they were incredible when I was a kid, and I still love them now. I've got nothing else to say. You just can't top them.

The Ghost Ship....soon will be making another run

2006-10-30T21:15:00.000-05:00

Here are illustrations from the Scholastic book, The Ghost Ship. These were drawn by Norman Nodel and I like them much better than the ones in Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. The red is a much better color than the yellowish brown of the Jeckyll/Hyde ilustrations. No other explanation is necessary. These are creepy and cool. My favorite is the skeleton.

Dr. Jeckyll, I Presume?

2006-10-29T11:40:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd post a few illustrations from the cool books I picked up in the early 1970s at a Scholastic book fair at my elementary school. Previously I posted the cover for Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. While the cover is amazing, the inside of this book is disappointing. Part of it is due to the drab brownish yellow color used in the drawings, but it is also because the illustrations in Dracula and The Ghost Ship are so fantastic, that these just don't compare.

These are the only two illustrations that I really liked in the whole book. The others just didn't do anything for me.

However, I was fascinated with Dr. Jeckyll's transformation into Mr. Hyde.
He goes from Christian Bale....

to Mr. Chugalug, Dean Martin....

to Rod Steiger.

I'll post some illustrations from the other two books, but these needed to go up first. If you see them after the other two, they're truly disappointing.

They're Coming to Get You, Barbara

2006-10-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

The living dead walk the earth...and we are there. This movie, while tame by todays standards, is still terrifying in it's premise.

Perhaps I have always had an overactive imagination, but if I were in a cemetery and a strange looking man was staggering in my general direction, I would make damn sure that I didn't come within 50 feet of him. After all, cemeteries are creepy and deserted. If the guy isn't a masher, he could be a corpse.

I found myself wanting to smack this woman in the head with a log to snap her out of her stupor. Then once she started babbling on and on about Johnny, I wanted to smack her in the head to shut her up.

Parlor of Terror

2006-10-19T19:38:00.000-04:00

This is the type of ad which seems very appealing, but as with all ads in comic books, you're sure to be disappointed when it arrives. Well, except for the fake vampire blood as any kid is going to get excited about putting fake blood on the face and neck.

Any kid reading the ad would read the last line about how all the spooky stuff is in the package, and would totally skim over the first sentence where it says what you're really getting is a manuscript. And would little kids know what a manuscript was? I think not, oh evil comic ad of yore!!

Want a scary costume? Be a Norwegian Troll

2006-10-19T19:21:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid my grandparents went to Norway and brought back this book of Norwegian Folk Tales. The stories are along the lines of the Grimm Brothers Fairy Tales, which means they can really creep you out.

I used to think of Norway as the land of Nordic blue eyed, blonde, outdoors-y, heathy youngsters with bright white teeth. Now when I think of Norway, I think of trolls. Trolls, trolls, trolls, and more trolls. They're everywhere and the Folk Tales are filled with horrible stories of youngsters being terrorized and eaten by trolls. Norway has to keep it quiet or else their tourist market would suffer.

The scariest story is about a kid named Butterball who is the target of a hungry troll. If you were a troll, wouldn't you pick the kid named Butterball? Sounds like good eatin'. But I digress... the thing that always freaked me out about this particular story was that the troll carried it's own head under it's arm. And the little things that look like sticks coming up out of the neck just make me queasy. Even now looking at them makes me feel slightly ill.

Hey Kids, Give Us Your Allowance for Monster Products

2006-10-15T10:43:00.000-04:00

These masks don't look like the goriest masks I've ever seen, but they are only $2.98 each. Unfortunately in 1973 my allowance was about 25 cents, and I spent it immediately. So goodbye any chance of owning a monster mask. The one thing I'm curious about is what type of mask you got if you ordered the one called "The Goon."

Monster Studios is a fantastic name for a business. You just feel like they're so dedicated to the monster concept that they must have tons of cool monster items. I find their monster picture more disturbing than the monster masks shown above. But I am enthralled by the notion of the monster himself sending me my free monster gift. Then again, I'm a little nervous that the monster would then have my address and could show up in the middle of the night by the side of my bed.

Vampire blood....what kid didn't want their own tube of vampire blood? Well I'm guessing the only one would be that kid who always threatened to take his ball home if you didn't let him be the pitcher. Yes, every child wants a tube of succulent bloody goodness to play tricks on their parents and friends, as well as doctor up fake wounds or bloody bandages. Yet wouldn't the ad be more effective to show blood dripping vampire fangs rather than the mystery scribble with the red dot?

It's.... The Scarecrow!!

2006-10-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

Another unfortunate gap in my posting. But how could I resist October, the month of ghost, creepy things, and candy? When I was a kid, I though the Wonderful World of Disney's The Scarecrow movie was spooky. The Vicar was nice, but those dark nights when the scarecrow and his henchmen rode around the countryside made me shiver. Could you make a kids movie these days based on a group of guys in olden times riding on missions through the dark night, shooting and fighting and wearing creepy masks?...and these are the good guys.

Even though some of it scared me, I did like the fact that the Scarecrow was out for justice. As this photo says about the man of two faces, "The Vicar... kind and benevolent, loved by all. The Scarecrow...a demon ghost, feared by oppressors."

There was even a Scarecrow comic based on the movie. These are all scanned from Scarecrow, no.3 from 1965. I think I saw this in the early 70s, at which time I thought it was a new movie. I do find it odd that the back cover of the comic is this illustration which is labeled as a pinup. The pinup is interesting, but it seems an odd thing for any kid to put on their wall.

While the scarecrow looked kind of scary, he was nothing compared to his henchmen. Holy moley! What the hell?! No wonder I was freaked out by this movie. The Scarecrow's henchmen are horrifying! Look at those masks. Kids must have been hiding under their covers for weeks after seeing this movie.

Good god! Hellspite looks more like a corpse than a scarecrow, and Curlew.... Damn it, Curlew has the head of a bird. How disgusting is that? Does he strap a real bird face around his skull? Is it an owl? What is it? It's uber-creepy. Oh I am going to have nightmares again after this.

Hey Kids, Here's a Cool Way to Be Keep From Getting Skin Cancer

2006-09-03T15:14:00.000-04:00

I absolutely loved Saturday morning tv shows, especially live action ones. The one problem was that my parents were the type who actually wanted us to enjoy the outdoors, play with our friends, get some exercise, and use our imaginations. The rules were my brother and I could each pick one Saturday morning show to watch, and that was it. Yup, my parents believed that we should use our brains rather than sit in a stupor and absorb pop culture.
Check out this CBS Saturday morning schedule! How great is this?! Bugs Bunny was usually the show I picked to watch - good cartooning, great voices, and although I didn't know it at the time, a great introduction to classical music.

I somehow managed to watch various episodes of most of the other shows too. Not sure if my parents were out or if they were doing yardwork, but I know I saw Shazam, Fat Albert, and Clue Club multiple times. Clue Club was basically Scooby Doo - scared dogs, good looking guy, good looking girl, dorky guy, and smart girl. Of course Scooby Doo was much better. I can't even remember the mysteries the Clue Club solved.

It's a Bonanza of Unreadable Tv Related Paperbacks!

2006-08-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

While I love teen idol and tv show books, they're pretty unreadable. In fact, I've never made it through any of these. I'm not sure if everyone is familiar with the show, UFO. It was made in Britain in the late 60s and they pronounce "u-fo." A live action show from the producer of the Thunderbirds - how can you not love it? S.H.A.D.O., the secret organization to combat the aliens, is headquartered under a movie studio and everyone's clothing is silvery and futuristic, such as it was in the late '60s.
I'm a sucker for trippy backgrounds, like the design on the cover of this book. And if the book has a photo of the characters in the show, I'm much more likely to become enamored with it. I'm glad the Mod Squad know of a groovy way to die because I was afriad death would be horrible.
The real Mission Impossible, not the recent Hollywood remakes with Tom Cruise (insert your own Scientology/Suri/alien joke here). While I was too young to watch this in the 60s, I enjoyed seeing episodes in reruns. Who could forget the famous words, "...this tape will self distruct in five seconds..."
It's almost inconceivable that the Leif in the recent mugshot could actually have been this cute, little golden haired teen idol. I'd make a joke here, but when you think about it, it's just so pathetic and sad.
Oh cone of silence, I love you so. I wish I had one at work, at home, at the beach, in the car, at a club.......and if only it would work correctly. Mel Brooks, Buck Henry, Don Adams, and Barbara Feldon - I salute you!

William Shatner Thinks He Can Kick Your Ass

2006-08-16T19:24:00.000-04:00

I was a huge William Shatner fan in the 1970s. To clarify that, I was thin but fanatical about the man. Here is a very odd magazine that focuses on celebrities and the art of self defense. The fact that this even exists is puzzling. Did they really think it was profitable to print an entire magazine about this subject? Apparently, which is why we see The Shat karate-ing his way through his opponent, while shrieking "hiya" and praying the glue holding on this toupe holds until the end of this beating.

I'm genuinely perplexed about this cover, especially since it was published in 1974 during Shatners lean years. This was when he was doing B movies and had no money. So why did they put him on the cover? Another inexplicable link in the gold chain that is William Shatner.

Jigsaw Don't

2006-08-16T19:13:00.000-04:00

Anyone remember Jigsaw and their huge hit, Sky High? I have to admit I still have a soft spot for that song, even though it's an amazingly bland, agonizingly lightweight 70s song.

I got this album at a flea market in the 90s. It's the only time I've ever seen it. You'd think with Sky High being such a big hit, that there'd be thousands of these at thrift stores. Maybe it's only the Northeast that is void of Jigsaw. Perhaps in California, they're ripe with them.

More Vintage Defacement Art

2006-08-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

Here is the ad that prompted me to join the Brady Bunch Fan Club. I'm not sure how I convinced my parents to pay for this, but my brother and I had to share the fan club items. Consequently all I have left are the booklet and a hideously defaced picture of Jan.

My brother and I laid everything out on the table and took turns picking what we'd like, including the 5x7 portraits of all the kids. I know my first pick was Peter because he was my favorite. I also know I got stuck with Jans photo because there is no way in hell I would have ever picked that neurotic little basketcase.
Due to the size of the ad, you may not be able to see the defacement, so let's make it perfectlyl clear, shall we? I'm sure you already know that Jan is doomed, but was anyone else caught in the line of fire? Could any other little Brady have been so offensive that I felt compelled to deface them? Let's take a look -
Poor little Cindy. If only she hadn't worn what appears to be a sailors outfit, maybe she could have escaped. Then again, she does need to be punished for that horrible Shirley Temple imitation, and would have been far more annoying if not for Jan's total dominance in that category.

Disturbing Ad Makes Record Sales Plummet

2006-08-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

Who thought this was a good idea for an ad? How is this going to sell more records? It's just plain creepy. As if the idea of a Ted Nugent doll isn't disturbing enough, they had to go and give it two hippy-esque crazy-Ted noggins. I don't know about you, but one thing I never wanted to see is a creepy two headed Ted Nugent doll. Let the nightmares commence...

David Cassidy, Downer

2006-07-20T20:48:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like daydreaming about which teen idol to date. Why I'll bet every teenage girl thought if she could just meet Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Jimmy McNichol, that the young male testosterone factories would fall in love with them and be the perfect boyfriend. Why, those fine young men are sensitive, sweet, and a joy to be around.

Yes, teen idols are always happy. Well, except for one guy, the mopiest moper who ever graced the cover of a teen mag, causing many a young woman to rip her own head off rather than be stuck in a room with him. You see, David Cassidy is a downer.

Here's David Cassidy. His heart is broken but he's a professional and the show must go on. This is as happy as David gets

David's mental state is going down hill. He starts writing letters about ecology in which he urges people to buy white toilet paper, recycle their bottles and cans, pick up any trash you find on the ground, and don't smoke. He also says don't litter. Somewhere an Indian cries.

Oh god, is that David over there in the corner? He's going to totally ruin the party. I hear his heart got broken. Don't look at him! I think we can sneak out the door before he looks up. Oh no, he's spotted us. Keep walking and pretend you don't see him.

I am so tired of this whiny mopey crap. Yeah, David, I know, she broke your heart, but she's not coming back. So quit following her around and trying to get back together with her. You're only half alive? What the hell is that supposed to mean? That's messed up.

The smile on David's face says he's more than half alive now. Yup, David's a happy guy. Unfortunately you won't be happy because everywhere you turn, there's David - at your office, driving slowly up and down your street, staring at your house, never blinking, parking in front of your neighbors, revving his engine, impersonating the paperboy, sleeping in his car, or standing like a statue outside your window. Um, not only is he a downer, he's really creepy.

As David ups his stalking ante, he tries to buy your affection with roses and sad puppy dog eyes. Unbelievable. Is there nothing he won't try to manipulate you?

Even the teen mags can't hide David's lifeless expression. They have to resort to pathos by imploring teenage girls everywhere to love this pathetic wreck by giving him a lonely little rich boy spin rather than the sad psychotic downer we know him to be.

Oh no, is that Cassidy again? What's he doing here? After bringing everyone down at the last party, I didn't even invite him this time. Man, he looks really pissed off. He's starting to really scare me. Don't leave me alone with him, okay? I think he just mumbled something about making me swim with the fishes.

Really David, just muster a smile and stop whining. Get a grip, man!

Mr. Hyde Ate My Brain

2006-07-20T20:36:00.000-04:00

Another cool book I got at the school book fair. How could anyone resist the creepy, hairy, fangy semi-monster man? Um, actually if I saw him in real life, I'd back away slowly, turn on a dime, and run like the wind. But on the cover of a book at the school book fair, when most covers are bland, harmless, oooo-don't-scare-the-kiddies type of books, this one jumped out, smacked me in the head and demanded I buy it. No kid can resist horror classics with disturbing covers.

The Mystery of Dracula's Castle

2006-07-06T12:18:00.000-04:00

This was going to be my next post even before seeing a reference to it on Bubblegumfinks Sigmund and the Seamonsters bubblegum cards.

What kid wouldn't want to see Johnny and Scott in the Wonderful World of Disneys "The Mystery of Dracula's Castle!?" I remember being very excited about seeing this movie. Unfortunately I dont' remember anything about it. I'd really like to see it now as live action Disney kids movies in the 1970s were excellent!

Happy Star Trek Day

2006-06-28T18:10:00.000-04:00

This is only one of the reasons that my brother and sister-in-law are fantastic. They gave me this cool record for my birthday. I never would have picked it up when it came out as I was too much of a snooty teenager to buy Peter Pan records. Heck, now I'd pick up any Peter Pan tv/movie oriented record I saw.
Here's the back of the sleeve which I must confess, is disappointing. I think it's the incredibly bland color of their outfits and the horribly stiff posing, which make them seem like something out of a wax museum. While the shirts of the 60s were bright colors, now the cast is clad in the soothing non-color of insane asylum walls.

Oh boy, the voices on the record are a treat. The planet's ambassadors inflections reminded me of Roddy McDowell in Planet of the Apes. Scotty had a brogue that only seemed to appear when he rolled his R's. Sulu sounded Asian. Checkov appeared to had marbles in his mouth, Spock's voice was completely generic, and Bones sounded like he was in a Southern Rock band.

And what of Captain Kirk, you ask? Let me put it this way. When I first put the needle on the record, I thought my turntable was messed up because Kirk sounded like an elf. After adjusting it's speed and hearing the other characters talk, I came to the conclusion that whoever is playing Kirk has a higher pitched voice than Shatner. This Peter Pan Kirk sounds a little like Casey Kasem...if he were an elf. (Insert your own joke here).

Oh, I also got this for my birthday - a salesmens promo photo on thick cardboard of Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Try opening up a birthday present and not bursting into laugher when you see this staring back at you.

Take a Hike, Nancy Drew!

2006-06-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

When I was a kid, I was given some Nancy Drew mysteries. I stared at the well groomed girl on the cover, and decided any girl who looked that neat couldn't be very exciting. She didn't even seem to get dirty. From that day on, I demanded Hardy Boys books.

The Hardy's had better mysteries to solve. While prissy little Nancy was out getting her nails done, or complaining about the speck of dirt on her new dress, the Hardy's were crawling through mud, hiding in a hayloft, and outwitting the bad guys.

Yup those Hardy's always had the best mysteries: The Ghost at Skeleton Rock; The Secret of Skull Mountain; Danger on Vampire Trail; The Mystery at Devils Paw; The Sinister Sign Post..... what the hell?!?!? The Sinister Signpost???? Why that doesn't inspire anything but confusion. "Good god, that signpost... it's evil! Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!" (sound of body landing at the bottom of the cliff)

Honestly, from the cover it appears that the car might be the sinister one since it is running the Hardys off the road, and looks like it's shooting a laser beam into the Danger sign. But perhaps, just perhaps, the sign is shooting a laser into the car. And just maybe the sign reads, "Danger - this sign destroys cars with its white light laser killing beam."

It's the Incredible Hulk...except he's underwater and sort of a fish

2006-06-12T21:17:00.000-04:00

When the promtional writeup for the show starts off, "Mark Harris has an expressionless face and speaks in stilted phrases," you know you're in for a long ride. I think I only knew one kid who watched this show, which probably explains why it was cancelled the first season.

Mark is supposedly a survivor from the lost city of Atlantis. I know what you're thinking. But how could a waterlogged, ancient fishman make a living in todays modern world? Well they've thought of everything because Mark "..is employed by a national-security foundation that plunges him into perilous missions to foil mad scientists' diabolical schemes."

Damn! Why do the national security guys always get first dibs on the superhuman plankton eating fishmen? Do we really need a blank faced frogboy with an awkward monotone to fight mad scientists and their diabolical schemes? I think not!

Cool or Embarrassing - You Make the Call

2006-06-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's true. Shaun Cassidy did tour to support his albums and he actually played Civic Centers. This is the ad from my local paper, vintage 1979. They used the cover of his Born Late album, and the promo sticker for the "Hey Deanie" single can be seen.

What the hell kind of a name is Deanie anyway? I was always a bit put off by it. But isn't Shaun cute? His hairs a bit too long, but thats okay. Because we all know that cuteness always overrides an odd girl name, like strange old four legged mutant creature Deanie.

Yeah, that's right. I went to the show. How could I miss it? I can't believe my ticket cost $8.50, because the seat wasn't all that great. I was on the left side of the venue a couple of sections from the back. Geez, the $8.00 seats must have been terrible. Maybe you had to sit behind an aggressive outcast with a huge afro and a sharp knife.
I don't remember much about the performance, except that Shaun was a small blob in a spotlight and his satiny spandex pants were really tight. Oh yeah...and the little so and so came onto the stage pretending to be an old man, complete with long flasher-type raincoat, feet shuffling, back hunched over, possibly a cane, and I believe wearing a rubber old man mask.

As the band played, the old man stood there and the teenage girls yelled for Shaun and told the old man to get off the stage. But then the crowd went wild as the old man threw off his mask and creepy raincoat, to reveal he was Shaun. Girls screamed with delight, while at the same time, I couldn't believe he was so lame. So basically what I'm saying is that Shaun passed for a creepy old flasher.

Here's the souvenier program I bought. I also bought a poster, but I don't have a picture of it at this time. I'll dig it out at some point because you really have to experience it. Shaun looks a bit sleepy eyed in this exciting, real, not posed, in concert cover shot. Love the ribbony pink belt, iiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!

Just three more things to mention to make the concert going complete

My cousin brought sticks of incense to the concert, which we lit and waved around - for about ten seconds. Then an usher practically flew up the stairs to demand we extinguish them. Geez Dude, it's incense. There's not even a flame, just a smoldering mass of smelly stuff on a stick. Oddly enough he didn't say anything to the girls smoking, even though there were no smoking signs posted everywhere. Oh how I loathed him, the stupid little powermad usher.
The girl behind us taped the concert. This was the 70s before little walkmen, so she had a full sized portable tape recorder in her lap. I wondered how she got it past security and was often tempted to turn around and smack her due to her constant, high pitched screeching.
I would guess that the girl's tape recording was mostly screaming teenage girls with just a hint of Shaun Cassidy. Most of crowd of 8,000 girls (thats right, I said 8,000) were screeching, squeeling, and screaming. I never did get into that whole teenybopper girl going nutzo thing. I had crushes on teen idols, but I never squeeled with delight or cried due to an emotional overload just because someone walked on stage or I caught a glimpse of them. (I must confess my ex once screamed like a teenage girl at a Ramones concert when he saw the band looking through a second floor window overlooking the stage.)

Mills Watson, Character Actor of Distinction

2006-05-28T23:57:00.000-04:00

I don't think I saw even one episode of the Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. I know one of my brothers friends watched it, but then again he fell off a deck onto his head as a small child. Odd that the idea of dumb law enforcement didn't appeal to me, yet I was completelyl enthralled by Dukes of Hazzard. The best part of Sheriff Lobo must have been the guy pictures on the left, Mills Watson. I remember seeing him all the time in movies and tv in the 70s. He usually played a bad guy, and sometimes the character wasn't that bright.

The Hall of Teen Records

2006-05-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

Damn, due to some internet problems, I haven't been able to post this week. So I give you Teen Records of the 70s. In 1976 the Sylvers hit the charts with "Boogie Fever." Cute little Foster had a sweet voice. However I remember being highly disturbed by the Sylver's outfits, especially the girls. I wasn't sure why they had crinkly silver gift wrap for shirts. It doesn't look comfortable and the girl in front has hers tied in a knot, which I thought would probably let go due to the slick silver texture.

But by far the most distressing bit of the cover is that the hairstyle on the girl standing on the right makes it appear that she has been scalped. I stared at the top of her head every time I played the record. I'm still emotionally scarred by it.
Rosetta Stone were in the teen mags because Ian Mitchell (in the center) was briefly in the Bay City Rollers. Hmmm five Scottish lads playing rocknroll aimed at teens? Why does that sound familiar? I bought this album at Zayres and remember being surprised to find it because I doubt it sold to anyone in the US other than BCR fans that remembered Ian. Anyone who liked BCR would probably like Rosetta Stone.

The Bugaloos were so cool. They got to drive around in this weird car, talk to flowers, fly, and they had their own band! I didn't like evil Benita Bizarre, but I thought Funky Rat was fascinating - except his eyes which were kind of creepy.
"When it's time to change, then it's time to change." That Greg Brady was a genius. I also liked young Greg's ballad that began with the Shakespearean couplet, 'Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew, ponies never ran before, til there was you." Sheer poetry. I was so disappointed when "Time to Change" was a straight version of the song without Peter's cracking puberty vocals.

Gotta love Shaun Cassidy. Well I suppose you don't, but he was cute, had nice teeth, solved mysteries every week, and even got to perform his music while playing the younger Hardy. I had a huge crush on Shaun, and put his pin ups on my wall. If you look closely, there seem to be traces of a unibrow, which is not a good selling point for a teen idol.

Disco Dancing, Motorcycle Riding, Lady Charming Ponch..and some blond guy

2006-05-15T20:34:00.000-04:00

Hey remember when we used to watch CHiPs every Thursday night? And how we used to fight over who was cooler, Ponch or Jon? And how Ponch was always disco dancing while Jon stood over in the corner shaking his head at his good buddys disco antics?
Or how when the guys reported to Sergeant Getraer we could never understand what his last name was so we called him Contrare, Cotrare, Getrare or Savoir Faire? And how Grossie was always the butt of the guys lame jokes? And we thought the nickname was because he was a slob but it was really because his last name was Grossman? And how Ponch would try to pick up girls while they were out on a call, while Jon stood over by their bikes shaking his head at his good buddys overtly flirty antics?

And do you remember when the show started, that Ponch was the outgoing handsome Lothario and Jon was the quiet sweet boy next door type of guy? But after a few seasons, Ponch was the arrogant primadonna and Jon was the bitter jealous one?

And when Ponch would do his disco rollerskating, Jon would stand at the edge of the rink shaking his head at his buddys girl-impressing, disco skating antics? But we could tell by the look in his eyes that what he was really thinking was, "Why does Ponch always get the girl? Why does everyone want to hang out with Ponch? Why don't the women every pay attention to me? Damn you, Ponch. Damn you all to hell!!! I hope you fall right on your ass, you no good son of a bitch!"

Good times......

There Are Manly Men in the Big Valley

2006-05-15T20:08:00.000-04:00

My parents didn't let me watch lots of tv, which was one of the reasons I enjoyed playing at my best friends house. His family had the tv on 24 hours a day. There was even a huge tv in the basement, which didn't make much sense since the family would watch a smaller set upstairs. We used to watch reruns of Star Trek, Gilligans Island, Wild Wild West, or Batman. I'm not sure whether Big Valley was in syndication at that time, or if James West and Master of Disguise Artemus Gordon were so cool and action oreinted that they totally kicked the Big Valley's ass.

Big Valley was the story of the Barkley family. The rich, ranch owning, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-and-act-like-a-man, tough old matriach dominated Barkley family. Daughter Audra seemed a bit vacant. Illegitimate son Heath was played by a young pre-Six Million Dollar Man Lee Majors. Oldest brother Jarrod was a level headed lawyer. Youngest son, Eugene, was mostly away at college and didn't seem to be involved in the storyline even when he was home.
And then there was Nick, the hot headed Barkley. There alwaysa hothead if there is a levelheaded guy. After viewing Big Valley episodes as an adult, I believe that Nick's screaming, fighting, and hotheaded impulsive challenges were the result of his being the manliest of men in a land of big, burly, stinky, drinking, manly men.

Either that or he was legally insane, which you could make a really good case for judging from the scene where ol' hotheaded Nick went ballistic and beat up a middleaged, hamfisted, immigrant gypsy squatter.

Phone Booth Stuffing with the Mod Squad

2006-05-11T22:43:00.000-04:00

I don't think I ever saw the Mod Squad as a kid, but for some reason I knew Linc, Julie, and Pete. Perhaps my best friends family watched it, since their tv was on 24 hours a day. Now that I've seen their squad of mod, I'm wondering how I could have ever lived without these groovy cats. Pete is even wearing a cravat, for gods sake! Nothing says success with the ladies like a colored scarf worn jauntily around the neck. They're going to need more people than that to win the phone booth stuffing contest.

Roy DeSoto and John Gage are...The Firemen

2006-05-07T23:32:00.000-04:00

In the 70s, Emergency was one of my favorite shows. My brother and I watched it every week. If I had known there was a board game, I would have wanted it. The cool thing about this game it was made in Canda and has French translations. I don't know why that fascinates me, but what could be better than a tv show board game from a different country?

Every aspect of this game promotes the belief that bright colors will attract a young childs eye, thus keeping him semi-hypnotized. Either that or they went with a red-orange-yellow motif because it would remind children of fire, which would encourage them to bug their parents to buy more product based on Emergency.

The board is... well, I just have to be honest here. The board is ugly. When I first saw it I was very disappointed as this is where they could go crazy with photos from the tv show. Instead we get a pretty lame layout with a few pictures and some badly drawn scenery. The translations almost make up for it though. Did you know G.Q. Rouge was French for Red H.Q? If a fireman showed up wearing rouge, he'd be soundly walloped upside the head, stuffed into a locker, and forced to clean the firepole with his tongue. So stay away from the headquarters with the rouge.

Between the spinner and the cards, this game is a wealth of excitement. You never know what you're going to get with the cards of ...Emergency. Will it be a woman locked in a bank vault with only one hour of oxygen? Or a large explosion at the mannequin factory located in the seedy part of town? Who knows? But there's adventure in every card.

The trucks are bright plastic joy. Watch them move along the boring board in their primary colors like an bad LSD trip. You just know yellow is the most unpopular truck and it's the slow kid in the group who will get stuck with it. There's always one kid that never remembers to call a color. He's the same kid that gets stuck being the thimble in Monopoly.

I have to ask what sort of kids board game includes a picture of a guys bloody head of a guy after he's crushed in a car accident? Somehow it seems more disturbing to see it here then on the show. Why not pick a photo that's a little less bloody? What about a kid who fell off a minibike while he was trying to jump over a pit of fire? Now that's something I'd want to see.

Thanks go out to my super cool sister-in-law for getting this game for me.

Hang the Vampire?

2006-04-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

Board games based on tv shows rule. They may not be the best games in the world, but you usually get some cool cover art. I love Dark Shadows. It's a cool, trashy soap opera that has a vampire, werewolf, ghosts, witches, and all sorts of supernatural goings on. I remember being scared of Barnabas as a child. After seeing the show as an adult, it seems ridiculous to have been afraid of a forty year old actor who often flubbed his lines.

The idea of a Dark Shadows game is better than the reality. There is no board, which is the first sign that something is amiss. It's more like a game of hangman, but with a spinner instead of guessing letters. The object of the game is to be the first one to assemble a skeleton on a scaffold. The "scaffolds" are the stack of brown items on the lower right. They are supposed to look like they are made of wood. Bend in the sides to make it stand, and hang your skeleton from it. Unfortunately they aren't very sturdy and often the duration of the game is spent trying to keep the scaffold from tipping over.

Perhaps the coolest part of the game is that the bones and stakes come in a coffin! The instructions say it is a "beautiful antique coffin" but it's really just a cardboard bottom with a plastic lid.

The manufacturer spared no expense to make sure everyone knew whose coffin it was, as the lid reads "Barnabas Collins Coffin".

What I want to know if why Barnbas is storing bones and stakes in his coffin. It doesn't seem like a good idea. Not only will he not be able to fit into it when the sun comes up, but if he desperately attempts to wedge himself inside, he could pierce his own heart with a stake. Either he's drunk on blood or he's a complete imbecile. And just where the heck is he getting all these skeletons? Vampires drain blood, not pick bones clean.

Actually the coolest part of the game is that the bones glow in the dark. But it's really kind of pointless as if you're watching the bones glow, it's too dark to see the spinner.

The cover proudly proclaims there are bonus Barnabas fangs inside! These turn out to be your garden variety novelty fangs. The disappointing thing is that they couldn't even figure out a way to work them into the game. The instructions inform us that they are to be used by the person who plays the role of Barnabas Collins - which is also NOT part of the game. I'll bet kids fought over who was going to play Barnabas, even though it didn't make any difference in the game. The only thing wearing those teeth is going to make you do is drool.

Sunshine Saturday Morning

2006-04-26T23:02:00.000-04:00

What was better than getting up and watching Saturday morning tv? Nothing. You couldn't beat the programs with a stick, even if you tried. Take a gander at this tour de force of programming - Devlin and Korg 70,000 B.C. Crazy!

First we've got a cartoon about an orphan who makes like Evel Knievel. Then we've got Korg, a time traveling brain smasher of a show, which gives us Burgess Meredith, aka The Penguin, providing narration for a family of cavemen.

I did not watch Korg very much. Let's face it, those cavemen were ugly. Yowch! Don't want to run into that in a dark alley. The neanderthal man was unpleasant to look at, and I wasn't all that keen on staring at them for a half hour. I'll bet if they had put some good looking teen idol types in caveman outfits, and kept them all neat and clean like on the Flintstones the show would have been more popular. But how are you going to grab the teenage girls when all the guys have tons of body hair, massive brows, and nasty huge teeth?

OSI's Next Project?....The Bionic Black Bear

2006-04-20T20:33:00.000-04:00

Remember when OSI thought they should test their bionics on someone other than Steve Austin? So they rebuilt Jaime Sommers. Then they rebuilt a dog. Then they just went nuts and rebuilt the outer space Bigfoot. Well, how can they top that, I wondered. They can't just keep chucking bionics into anything that moves. But I was wrong because soon after came... the Bionic Boy!

Yes, Vince Van Patten IS the Bionic Boy. That's right. He doesn't just play the Bionic Boy, he IS a bionic boy. They actually rebuilt him. It was in the contract that whoever won the role would have to replace their own legs with bionics. Now this might seem like pretty cool until you realize that the doctors who are operating on you are actually fellow actors. Then the whole bionic thing seems like a bad nightmare.

Oh. He's not bionic after all. That headline was very misleading, but I'm glad to know that Vince didn't need to let some character actor remove his legs with a rusty knife.

I always liked Vince Van Patten. He just seemed like a nice kid, plus he's one of THE Van Pattens. So how can you beat that? I really wish they had made the Bionic Boy a weekly tv show. But I guess the tv industry can't sustain three bionic shows all at once. I mean really, how different could it be from the other two? I suppose Vince could somehow use his bionics to save a fellow student that is stuck under a table in the cafeteria. Or Oscar Goldman could hire him as the youngest member of OSI, because no one would suspect a kid was working for a secret agency.

Superman vs. Juvenile Delinquents....From Space!

2006-04-20T20:04:00.000-04:00

I used to love Superman comics. Come to think of it, actually I loved Superboy comics and only liked Superman. But no matter, for today we have Superman matched up against two lovable little rogues from outer space. They don't mean any harm. They're just good natured spaceboys who cause havoc and destruction everywhere they go.

You can say what you want about Zigi and Zagi, but the spacekids throw themselves into everything full force. What earthling child wouldn't turn himself into a skeleton if he had the power to do so and continue living? It would provide laughs, scares, and hijinks would ensue.

But I'm not sure about this sort of parenting. Putting kids in a cage with a cyclops-caveman-octopus creature so that it can tickle them until they almost die seems a bit harsh, especially since the poor spacelads were trying to learn at Earth school rather than play hookey. I would think a living skeleton would be a positive boon for a science teacher, especially if it was a space skeleton!

I must confess to being worried about Superman's sentiments at the boys near death experience in the creepy tickling monster's cage. The Man of Steel goes on the record as saying they deserve it. He sounds like one of those people that hit you and then tell you it's your fault. What next, Superman? Oops, the space scamps drank gasoline and accidentally immolated themselves. Well, I guess they deserved it since they shouldn't have been drinking gas out of the hose.

If Only We Could All Live Like Evel

2006-04-15T12:21:00.000-04:00

How can you not love the Evel one? He's a crazy thrill seeker with the guts to sail off the edge of the world, even when he knew he'd be plunging head first into the Snake Canyon River. He's a madman on a motorcyle racing over jumps when he knows he's going to crash because the people came to see this stunt, and damn it he's going to give it to them. He's a walking medical experiment who insists on riding before he's fully healed, even though he's broken 15,925 bones. He's a no nonsense, no one messes with me kind of guy, and he'll take a 2x4 to your head if you dare disagree. Don't cross him, don't mess with him, and don't ever think that you can do what he did - because you can't.

Even his toys are tougher than everyone elses. If Evel had been the one jumping barrels instead of the Fonz, he wouldn't have slid into Arnolds fried chicken stand. He would have screamed into it at 100mph, broken 200 bones, stood up, and downed a bucket of chicken to show the crowd he was okay. And you can expect the same thing from his toys. The stunt cycle can leap your neighbors ditch, jump your entire set of encyclopedias, do somersaults over the Evel Knievel Scramble Van, and drive perfectly upright while Evel does a headstand on it.

And when Evel got done with his exciting adventues, what did he do? He had further adventures. No one was going to tell him what to do, especially when his toys were owned by almost every red blooded American boy, and coveted by those who parents thought Evel was a bad influence.

What else could capture a kid's heart in the 1970s like a daredevil, superhero, glory loving, lunatic? Nothing. Because no daredevil has ever come close to capturing the magic that was Evel. It takes more than just jumping a train to make a legend. You've got to have personality by the bushel. And with the exception of Evel's wooden acting in "Viva Knievel!", the man had more personality than all the other daredevils stacked side by side in the Snake River Canyon.

Get Your Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Ape!

2006-04-12T22:55:00.000-04:00

In 1974, my friends and I watched Planet of the Apes every Friday night. I was so into it that I spent my allowance every week on packs of Planet of the Apes bubblegum cards, until it ended in a frenzy of buying 20 packs of bubblegum to get that one missing card. And believe me, the lady behind the candy counter looked at me like I was nuts when I asked for 20 packs of cards.

I also had two Planet of the Apes model kits, which were thrown out at some point when I got older. I even managed to scrounge up the money to buy one of the paperback books. I wish I could have bought all four, but as a kid I just couldn't hold onto money. As with most books based on tv shows, it's not the best thing to read. But it is cool!

Gimme My Incredible Futuristic Specs

2006-04-08T17:13:00.000-04:00

How I loved the ads in comic books. They always seemed to be have special glasses that would do amazing things. Here's a pair of specs that you use while watching tv so it appears as if the action is happening right in the room. Wow! I'm very intrigued.

Even more thrilling - the possibilities of Xray Specs! Who doesn't want to be able to look through their own flesh or see the skeletons of others? Plus there is the additional possibility of looking through clothes.

Although I suppose another possibility could be that you end up like Rowdy Roddy Piper in "They Live" and just see a horrible world with strange skinless aliens and billboards with sayings like "conform."

The Kids From CAPER

2006-04-08T16:12:00.000-04:00

Due to Bubblegumfinks March post mentioning Kids from CAPER on YouTube, I remembered I had this pin up. I'm not sure if I ever watched the Kids From CAPER. I'm not sure if anyone ever watched the Kids From CAPER. But do I remember seeing some articles about the cast in Tiger Beat or 16 magazine.

For whatever reason, I kept this picture of John Lansing who played Doc. I'm guessing the reason is I thought he was cute... but not cute enough to watch the show. The tape mark on it tells me that I actually hung it on my wall.

It seems like something I would have watched since I loved the live action Saturday morning shows. Perhaps I saw it once and it was so bad I never watched it again? It is one of the mysteries of life.

The Great Brain Could Kick Harry Potters Ass

2006-04-08T14:25:00.000-04:00

If I wasn't out jumping my yellow banana seat Schwinn over a homemade ramp or running around the neighborhood, I could probably be found reading. I liked these books enough to still own them.

The Outsiders, which is S.E. Hinton's most famous book, was required reading in junior high. I really enjoyed it which led me to pick up this book, which was in a similar vein. After the success of the movie version of the Outsiders, this book was made into a lousy movie starring Emilio Estevez. But at least it didn't star Leif Garrett.

While I'm not sure of the historical accuracy of any details in this book, for a kid it was a thrilling read. A teenager whose parents have died tries to enlist during the Revolutionary War. He ends up helping the colonial soldiers by carrying messages between the different units, because it is reasoned the British will think he is a local boy, and let him pass through their checkpoints. There are exciting times as he is caught by the British, and also uncovers a spy within the colonials ranks.

Books about ghosts are always worth a look. This one is about a kid who was killed decades earlier who enlists the help of the boy who just moved into the house in an attempt to let people know what really happened to him.

What can I say about the Great Brain, except that I love the whole series of books. They are told from the point of J.D, who chronicles the adventures of his older brother Tom, aka the Great Brain. Tom is very intelligent and is always one step ahead of the other kids in town, constantly swindling them out of money and getting other kids to do his chores. He even manages to outsmart many adults in town. The stories are an easy read and very amusing. Sometimes I still pull the books out to read.

Wildboy, Wildboy, Wherefore Art Thou Wildboy?

2006-04-03T14:05:00.000-04:00

Back in the 1970s, the Kroffts were kings of Saturday Morning live action tv shows. One that I really enjoyed was Bigfoot and Wildboy. What kid wouldn't love a show about a crime fighting Bigfoot and the Wildboy he raised after finding him in the hills? The show originally aired as part of the Krofft Supershow. After that went off the air, Bigfoot and Wildboy came back as it's own half hour show in the summer of 1979. It was during this time that I sent a fan letter to Wildboy, aka Joseph Butcher. The response to my letter was an offer to join his fan club. Love that hand drawn lettering.

The offer of a poster plus a personally autographed photo was enough to make me scrounge up the five dollars. After what seemed like forever, my fan club packet arrived. My official welcome letter informed me that I had just joined the best fan club in the world - wow! It even said that Joey wanted to know about me so I should fill out and return the enclosed form, which I must have done since I don't have it anymore.

The photocopied letter was a bit disappointing, but at least Joey wrote my name in at the top and put his signature on it.

What could any teenage girl want more than a personally autographed 8x10 photo of a good looking wildboy who runs around fighting evil with the Bigfoot that raised him?

The membership card rules. I should put it in my wallet and use it when people ask for identification.

What I like about the poster is that it isn't a posed headshot. You can tell it's from the live action kids show because Joseph is wearing his Wildboy garb. Well, thats assuming he didn't wear the tunic around town due to some sort of psychosis brought on from spending all his time acting with Bigfoot. And in case you're wondering, yes, I put this poster on my bedroom wall.

This might be my favorite item from the whole package, although I really like the membership card. Behold, a beautiful 8x10 showing Bigfoot and Wildboy looking for some evil to stomp out. Dig that Wildboy outfit!

I would have much preferred another 8x10 of Wildboy rather than this one with the feathered hair and what looks to me like a velour shirt. Yikes!

The fan club packet also included a biography of Joseph. This was the front of the bio folder. Another headshot with the feathered hair and velour shirt, damn it!

The inside of the folder showed the many faces of Joseph Butcher. See how good he cleans up? He's not always hanging out with Bigfoot. Sometimes he does sensitive performances as a blind boy in "When Butterflies Are Free." From Wildboy to Blindboy, that's a quite a range. I'm hoping Blindboy also has a seeing eye Bigfoot pal.

Fan club members were kept up to date with a newsletter that came out three times a year. It contained such scintillating reading as "The new Bigfoot and Wildboy shows are really super. They are even better than the ones before." Or "The new 1/2 hour shows are great! And Joey looks cuter than ever."

Sadly the second newletter had a big rubber stamp on it, asking fan club members to write to the president of ABC because Bigfoot and Wildboy might not be back on the air. The third newsletter I got said that the show was not picked up for the next season, and that the fan club was disbanding as Joey was planning to work more on the production side than continue acting.

And now you know the short but sweet story of the Wildboy fan club.

Damn it!

2006-03-30T17:31:00.000-05:00

Damn! I've been trying to post photos of the items I got when I joined the Joseph Butcher Fan Club. I'll bet most people didn't even know that Joseph - aka Wildboy from Kroffts Bigfoot and Wildboy show - had a fan club. Who knew? Who'd guess? Sure as hell not me, except for the fact that I was in it. But blogger keeps giving me an error when I try to upload photos. Damn it!! It's making me mad... mean mad....triple dog dare mad!

Anyway, stay tuned for the wonderful world of the Wildboy fan club!

Teen Idol Incorporated

2006-03-23T18:13:00.000-05:00

One thing about being a teen idol, someone - and it ain't you - is making a ton of money in merchandising. Here are ads for Jack Wild's first single and album.

I really wish I had Jack's Private Photo Album. The cover claims the photos were personally selected just for me! The implication is that Jack personally selected them, but would he really sit around picking out just the right 100 photos to use in a teen mag photo album? Surely he had better things to do. But it's not good marketing to say they were personally selected by a member of the Tiger Beat staff.

Still, I would love to have seen it. I have Leif Garrett's private photo album, and it's, um .....fascinating, in a teen idol sort of way.

A Tribute to Jack Wild, R.I.P.

2006-03-20T13:27:00.000-05:00

As a child I faithfully watched Pufnstuf every Saturday morning. My favorite character was Jimmy, played by Jack Wild. I was so enthralled by the show, that I talked my parents into ordering the Pufnstuf soundtrack from the back of a Kelloggs cereal box.
My six year old eyes were so dreamy over Jack that I also convinced my parents to get a back issue of a teen mag featuring Jack on the cover. I really wanted to buy all the back issues showing Jack's picture, but my parents weren't insane so I had to narrow it down to just one.

This issue featured the exciting article, "Jack and Arthur's Brother Feud!" Good god! I wish I had a career writing lines for the front of teen magazines. I'd up the excitement level by going a step further with blurbs like, "Jack and Arthur - you are no longer my brother" or "Jack and Arthur's Battle of Blood."

Rivals? Oh no! Jack thought Arthur was avoiding him since he'd gotten back from filming Pufnstuf. But it turned out Arthur was with a girlfriend who insisted that they spend all their time alone. With her noose of affection ever tightening around his neck, Arthur decided to dump her. Brotherhood saved, rivals no more! A collective sigh of relief was breathed by all. I'm sure as a child, I was pleased that Jack and Arthur were getting along, but as an adult, I am more of the train of thought of "uhhhh... okay."

I ripped out this pinup and hung it on my wall. My guess is I stared at it dreamily, but I really don't remember.

Here a reader said she would cherish anything Jack gave her. So lucky Debbie Campbell got a gift of a locket and Jack's first single - from Jack (aaaaiiiiieeee!!!). The puzzler is, where are these items now? Does Debbie still have them? Does she hang onto them as a memento of her innocent youth? When she got older, did she forget where she got them? Or did she just callously throw them out thinking they were kids stuff?

Damn, when the teenage stars you liked when you were a small child die, it makes you feel not only old, but sort of like part of your childhood is gone.

Let's Have A Frankenstein Christmas

2005-12-25T19:51:00.000-05:00

1972 was a great year for Christmas. Not only did I get a Jesse James cowboy hat and cap guns, but I also got a Frankenstein model. I'm not sure why I got this, or even who bought it for me, but I was enthralled by it.

I was even more excited when I found that it glowed in the dark! Actually only his head and hands glowed, but that still made it cooler than a regular model. Boy was I happy. What kid wouldn't want a glowing Frankenstein looking down on them as they sleep?

Well, that would be me. Do you know how creepy it is to see a glowing monster head and hands on the other side of your bedroom? The damn thing scared me to death every night. My heart would pound and I'd be afraid to close my eyes in fear that if I did it would come to life and kill me. Yet I didn't want to look at it either...because then I might actually see it come to life and lumber over to kill me.

I solved the glowing killer monster model problem by putting it in my closet every night. Well, it solved part of the problem. I didn't have to see it, but I did fear the closet door bursting open and a glowing freak jumping over to my bed to kill me. Ahhhh good times.... I no longer have the model, which is sad except for the fact that I would still fear it - which may actually be sadder.

I'm Even Wearing Tartan Underwear

2005-12-12T08:44:00.000-05:00

The Bay City Rollers were pretty cool. Well, not really, but I liked them. I never did understand all the girls wearing tartan though. Some of them had entire outfits made of tartan. I know it was what the Rollers wore. But it seemed like wearing high water bellbottom pants with tartan trim all over it was a good way to get beaten up and humiliated at school.

I never read this paperback. It was just too poorly written and incredibly trite. Yet I still have the book and don't plan on getting rid of it. I guess I still have a soft spot in my heart for Les, Woody, Alan, Eric, and Derek....even though they did wear all that tartan.

From Teen Idol to Old Balding Guy

2005-12-12T08:36:00.000-05:00

My dad's aunt bought me this book when I was a teenager. I never did read it. It looked very light weight - like a really long article written for a teen magazine. But it did have some nice pictures of Leif in it. He was a really cute kid.

It must be hard for teen idols once they pass that cute phase and start blending in with everyone else on the street. You used to have a hundred thousand teenagers screaming just to touch your hair, and now you're going to have trouble picking up a drunken college girl at your local bar. How the heck do you cope with that?

Those Bears are Nothing But Bad News

2005-12-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

I have never seen a Bad News Bears movie in it's entirity....and yet I still have this.

The Danger of Rock Concerts in1979 and Why It’s Billy Joel’s Fault

2005-12-06T15:38:00.000-05:00

My first concert was in 1979 seeing Billy Joel play a sold out show at the local Civic Center. Granted now I’d rather hit Joel in the head with a brick than see one of his shows, but as it was my first concert and I was a fan, I sang along and used my little 110 Instamatic camera to take photos.

Throughout the show, fans would run to the front of the stage, scream, dance, or lose themselves in a Pianoman style frenzy. Every time this happened, security would make them return to their seats. I was in the second section back on the floor and wanted some closer photos. So late in the show I asked security if I could go down front to take a few pictures and the nice security man said “sure, go ahead.”

As I sauntered down the aisle secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t an idiot who was going to be asked to leave, I felt pity for the poor fools who didn’t know enough to talk to security before blindly running towards the stage. I was standing in front of the stage taking a photo when all of a sudden I was hit from behind with a force so hard that my flashcube was knocked off the top of my cameraAs it bounced across the stage under Joel’s running feet, I was in a panic. Not only did I need that big square flashcube, but I was afraid he’d twist an ankle if his foot hit it. More importantly, I was in complete fear over who or what had hit me, and if I about to be attacked again. Had security gone insane? Had someone who’d been told to sit down taken their revenge out on a happy little kid taking photos? Was this what happened at a concert?

As I looked around, I discovered that the aisles were now clogged with people pressing against the stage. My stroll up to the front and lack of reaction by security had let the entire venue know that it was now okay for everyone to run to the foot of the stage. A wall of people had descended toward Billy Joel at warp speed, and for whatever unknown reason, they felt compelled to plowed into me. I was completely shell shocked and after taking another photo or two, went back to my seat.
For a couple of months, whenever I heard the song “Bigshot” (which was the song being performed when I was pummeled by the crowd), I would break into a cold sweat, my heart would hammer to get outside my ribcage, and I’d have an anxiety attack. Thanks ever so much, Mr. Only the Good Die Young…thanks for trying to kill me and giving an innocent young teen a heaping helping of transitory emotional scarring.

Look at Mr. Smugpants sitting on top of his piano. You know he was scoffing at me!! Oh the pain! The pain!! Damn him in all his rock star glory as he tramples young girls dreams and flashcubes, while he lives out his soft souled shoe rock star fantasies in the mansion and crashed car of his choice. Damn him all to hell!!....also that's the worst James Cagney imitation I've ever seen.

The Lack of Danger at Concerts in 1979 When Billy Joel is Not Present

2005-12-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

In contrast to the psychological scarring from Mr. Billy “I’m the Entertainer, Damn It!” Joel, the Kinks concert was a joy. No trampling hordes of people, no flashcubes bouncing under rock stars feet, no post traumatic stress every time I hear one of their songs - what joy!
This was the first general admission concert I attended. Little did I realize that people who come late will muscle their way into the front row. I got pushed around a little, but managed to hold my own. My only complaint was a girl two people over from me who clapped with her big lobster hands two feet in front of her face, which meant they ended up in many of my photos.

Also as opposed to Billy “Taste My Trampling Horde” Joel, the only thing Ray Davies did was pour champagne over the audience down front. This only served to annoy me because when it dried, my camera, glasses, and clothes were sticky and I smelled like alcohol, which is bad for a fifteen year old who is being picked up after the show by her parents.

Kiss My Painted Hinder

2005-11-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

I didn't like Kiss when I was younger. I thought they were stupid. So, you justifiably ask, why did I buy some Kiss bubblegum cards? I have no freakin' idea. The only thing I can think of is that I liked trading cards, and I liked the taste and smell of the stick bubblegum that came with them. In defense of my theory, I did only buy one pack.

Huh Huh, He's Funny

2005-11-28T08:36:00.000-05:00

In late 1979, Steve Martin was the man for comedy. King Tut was on the radio constantly, all the kids had his album, and he'd hosted Saturday Night Live. My Dad picked up tickets for my brother and I, and two of our friends. We had seats down on the floor, 10 rows back in the second section. We were all really excited about seeing our favorite comedian and he didn't disappoint us. We all loved the show and talked about it for weeks.
I took my little 110 camera to take pictures. His suit is pink, but it's hard to tell in the bright stage light. He's also got an arrow through his head and a banjo. Here's what I learned from this show. If you use a flash when you aren't anywhere near the stage, all you do is light up the back of the peoples heads in front of you.

The other thing I learned is that our friend Mike could not clap on the beat. If you've ever been stuck sitting with a person who can't clap on the beat, you know how annoying that is. It's also kind of embarrassing because it's so noticable. Good god man, you're the only one clapping on the off beat! What is wrong with you?!

Knock Knock. Who's There? Ghost Ship. Ghost Ship Who?

2005-11-28T08:29:00.000-05:00

Another spooky book from the grade school book fair. I was always intrigued by ghosts and the creepy cover art told me this was a book to buy. I'm not sure if I ever read it, but I definitely enjoyed staring at the cover. It captures all the major scary stuff - skeletons, haunted houses, ghost ships and graveyards. What more could a kid ask for?

That Freaky King and His Freaky Head

2005-11-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

In a more innocent age, Burger King gave out stickers to youngsters like me. I'm sure they figured we'd stick them all over the place, thus providing free advertising. But I didn't want their ugly stickers on my bike. Plus I didn't like the Burger King. So I defaced their stickers and proposed random foot against hinder violence against the King.

That damn Burger King has always annoyed me. I'm not sure why. I guess I just don't understand why someone would want to be king of meat. Oh plus, he has an enormous head. What is up with that? There's just something wrong with a person who has a head that big.

Keith Who?

2005-11-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I had a crush on Danny Partridge. I didn't care about teen idol Keith Partridge with his stupid shag hairdo, sensitive puppy dog eyes, or his groovy clothes. Nope, the one who I wanted to marry was that little conman, Danny. So I felt very fortunate to have gotten so many pictures of Danny in one pack of bubblegum cards.

As to the eternal Danny or Keith question? Well lets just consider where they are now. Hmmmm, bitter arrogant pseudo-rockstar or wacky out of control addict in perpetual emotional turmoil?....Umm, I change my favorite to Chris (either of them).

Homemade Halloween Costumes of the 1970s - They Rule!

2005-11-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up our costumes were always homemade. Sometimes it was annoying when friends had cool store bought Evil Knievel masks/costumes, but at least we never ran into another kid with the same exact costume.
1973 - a good year for pirates. Check out the wide lapels, the patches on my jeans, and the six gun tucked into my waistband.
1974 - my mom made these costumes for my brother and I. I'm sure you can tell who he is, but do you know who I am? I'm Captain Marvel Jr, god damn it!! In case you're not familiar with the Shazam comics, here is the Marvel family.
I think my mom did a great job on the costume. Where the hell else would I ever get a Captain Marvel Jr outfit? They certainly aren't going to sell them in stores. I am often asked why I, a young girl, would choose to dress up as a boy rather than go as Mary Marvel. The answer should be clear - only a wimp would dress up as Mary Marvel. Look at her. Granted I didn't have manly muscles, a package, or short hair, but Captain Marvel Jr was so much cooler. He was a crippled newspaper boy, who idolized the Big Red Cheese aka Captain Marvel, and wasn't even related to the rest of them. Yet he still managed to transform into a superhero.
1975 - my brother recycles my pirate scarf and shirt, yet adds a manly wooden sword. His friend Colin dresses as the standard hobo, and my friend Jennifer dresses as a hunchback, although I never did understand the bandage on her head or the blue eyeshadow. I couldn't decide whether to go as a sailor or a ghost. So I went as the ghost of a sailor. That is supposed to be a bullet hole on my bandage and blood running down my cheek. Looks like the ghostly white makeup has rubbed off, which begs the question what the hell was I rubbing my face on?
1976- I was too old to dress up, but my brother and his friend Mike were happy to go trick or treating. I don't think Mike's prison costume was homemade, but it's still cool. My brother's vampire costume is nice too. But those store bought teeth were impossible to speak with making shouts of trick or treat sound more like "rick or reat."

Vintage Defacement Art Lives Again

2005-11-07T09:38:00.000-05:00

Once again I'm up to my old trick of defacing someone who annoys me. I was a big fan of Zoom and watched it every week night. My favorite person on the show was Jay. But when I wrote a fan letter to him, the response I got was a picture of David. What the?!?!?!? How annoying is that? Pretty damn annoying, I must say. But on the plus side, the other half of this item was how to make water walkers, which were definately one of the coolest projects they had.

David should consider himself lucky that all I did was make a mustache on him. I could have completely destroyed him like I did to Jan or those idiots in Spec.

Look Deep Into My Tv....Sleep!

2005-11-07T08:48:00.000-05:00

Woah, imagine that? You're an innocent tv repairman working on someone's tv, when all of a sudden BAM - you accidentally discover the secret to hypnotism! How lucky is that? Plus, you're such a great guy that you're willing to share the secret with anyone for a small fee, because you have to support your growing family since you've hypnotized your wife to be attracted to you again.

Also I'm glad the ad states that no prior hypnotic training is necessary because I didn't think I'd be able to effectively use the top secret accidental discovery. I have confidence that we'll soon be a nation of hypnotists. So I'd better start hypnotizing people now before they learn how to hypnotize me....damn you tv repairman!!

Hobos Don't Wear These Patches

2005-11-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

These are patches that I proudly wore on my pink denim jacket as a kid. I am not sure why I had a pink denim jacket. I guess my only defense is that it wasn't as girly as it sounds and it was the 70s. Six Gun City was a cool place where you could shoot a bow and arrow, watch an olde tyme gun fight, and... um well I actually don't remember what else you could do there, but I'm sure it was some sort of western amusement spectacular thing and tons of fun.

This is the only picture I could find of me in my pink denim jacket. Oddly enough, I am driving an antique car at Storyland, which was very near Six Gun City. Even the most incompetent child driver couldn't maim fellow park goers due to the metal rail in the ground that the wheels would hit if you got too far off course.

Hey Kid, How Much Money You Got?

2005-11-03T10:32:00.000-05:00

I wrote a fan letter to Shaun Cassidy when he was on the Hardy Boys. In response, I got this invitation to join the Hardy Boys Fan Club. Ooooo, so let me get this straight. I love you and you're such a great singer and actor (squeal of teenage glee), and you want me to pay you money to get a mass produced printed autograph photo? Damn! I know it is impossible to answer every fan letter, but at the very least they could have sent a mass produced printed autographed photo of Shaun with their request for my money.

You know, I'm looking at this photo and it's starting to creep me out. Is it just me, or does Shaun look like he's about to take a big bite of my brain?

Congratulations, You're in Hell

2005-11-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

In 1971 I went to summer camp at Camp Ketcha, which was a girl scouts camp. Being a shy child, there were a few girls that I struck up friendships with, but other than that I stayed out of the spotlight and kept to myself. In fact I was so quiet, that at the end of the summer, I won the Quietest Camper Award. I was completely mortified.

If there's one thing that's hell for a shy kid, it's having to stand up in front of all the campers, walk to the front of the building, and pick up your Quietest Camper Award. They were all watching me - with their beady little eyes! Their beady little eyes!!!!!!

First Aid....of the Future!!

2005-11-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

When I mentioned how I got a Star Fleet Medical Manual for Christmas in 1977, a couple of people were curious as to what was inside this incredible futuristic medical book. So here are a few pages for your viewing pleasure. Disclaimer: I am in no way responsible for any adverse physical reactions or psychological episodes that occur due to the viewing of these pages. All parties agree to turn back now or view these medical miracles of their own free will.

Hey everybody, it's a Klingonoid Biped! Until I got this manual, I was unaware that Klingons had smooth genital areas, just like GI Joe and Ken.

If you attach the airplane glue to the bicycle pump, and shove the hose down your throat, you can get a really intense high. Stupid Gorn.....

I'm not sure why they included these sexual positions in the medical manual, but I would have preferred not to know what happens when a desperate lonely spaceman takes advantage of a drunken alien.

How many people are really going to be injured while sitting in a chair? Isn't this procedure a complete waste of time? Plus now it's far more likely that you'll need to figure out how to carry the many injured crewmen who have mistakenly sat on the stick.
I am far more disburbed by the patients enormous nipples than by his horrific burns.

Drink This Potion, I Swear It's Harmless

2005-10-24T21:20:00.000-04:00

Here is another of the books I got at the book fair when I was in grade school. The cover would have sucked me in, even if it weren't a classic horror story. They just don't make covers like this anymore.

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Pirates!

2005-10-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

Here is my brother, his friend Mike, and me pretending to be pirates. The hats we are wearing are McDonalds pirate hats with a skull and crossbones drawing taped over the McDonalds logo. Seriously, who wants to pretend to be a pirate with a big M on your hat? No one thats who!!

I'm not sure why McDonalds was giving out pirate hats. They used to have a pirate character, maybe that's why. The thing I find the most disturbing is our make up. It's like we were attacked by a blind greasepaint artist. Our scars are drawn with the same black as our beards, thus making us look pretty damn insane...then again, maybe that makes us great pirates.

This Was My Life??

2005-10-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

Someone gave me a diary when I was a kid. I hung onto it for a number of years, not knowing what to do with it. Then in 1978 I decided to give it a try. This was unfortunate because that was the year I had a crush on my science teacher and mostly wrote stupid things like, "he looked so cute in that white shirt" or "I made sure I was standing in the hallway when he walked by."

A few years ago, I came across the diary and in a fit of embarrassment, threw it away. It really was a waste of paper. The only pages I kept were from a camping trip that my brother and I took with my grandparents. This is kind of odd as the only memorable parts of this trip were that I was a teenager who was embarrassed to be with my grandparents, and the now legendary Cheetos Incident, which is brought up at least once a year at a family dinner - but never when my grandmother is there.

Oh boy... wasn't that swell, kids? I think you can read the scan okay. The only thing you may question is where it says "I was Moe, Bri was Curly." Yeah, that's right, we were pretending to be the Three Stooges. I remember my brother singing a song about the rock, saying it was Curly's shoe. Or maybe that was another day, and he tripped again but this time on a shoe? I seriously doubt we'd be hanging out in the amphitheater more than one day pretending to be the Three Stooges. I wonder if my brother remembers this?

The strange thing is I avoided reading that diary for years, but now that I've thrown it away, I think it would be hysterical to read about the crush I had on my teacher and the really stupid things I wrote. "Saw him three times in the hall today. He's so cute." Good lord.....

Let's Just Call It Bosley's Chicks

2005-10-18T20:03:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm sorry, but this just will not do. You can not call it Charlie's Angels when the only real Angel is Jacklyn Smith and your premiere is aboard the Love Boat. And to make matters even worse, two of your biggest guest stars are Bert Convy and Bo Hopkins. God damn it!! Beads of desperation are forming on Bosley's five o'clock shadowed upper lip because he knows soon he'll be out of a job. This is not a pretty sight.

You've Got to Be Mickey... We Already Called Davy, Peter, and Mike

2005-10-18T19:53:00.000-04:00

My friends and I loved the Monkees. We'd watch their tv show in afternoon reruns, and we'd even play that we were the band. My brother would play Mike which may have been due to the hat. My friend Jennifer would be Davy because she thought he was cute. I would be Peter because I thought he was cute and funny. And we would force Bri's friend Mike to be Mickey. You ever notice in every group of kids there's that always one that gets pushed around? It's some sort of strange natural selection thing, but if the four of us were together, that would be Mike. So Mike never got a choice of who he was going to be. Nope kid, tough luck - you're Mickey again. No matter how the poor guy tried to call someone else, we always mentally beat him into submission and made him Mickey.

Evel Be Thy Name

2005-10-18T19:47:00.000-04:00

George Hamilton as the king of the daredevils? Never!!!! Somehow I just don't think old George and his florescent tan are going to cut it. Why do I question whether he's really up to portraying that baseball bat wielding, sky jumping maniac? Well basically because I don't think George Hamilton is ever going to do this -

Apparently I'm Not The Only One Who Hated Her

2005-10-14T09:08:00.000-04:00

Here's another Brady Bunch paperback, but I want you to notice something. There are only five kids shown on the front cover. Who do you think is missing? Who is the odd man out? Who could it be?

Oh we all know who's missing. That's right, it's Jan. Big-wig-wearing, bad-eyesight-bicycle-crashing, pretend-boyfriend-dating, every-club-at-school-joining, ugly-aunt-resembling, lame-practical-joke-playing, silver-braces-wearing, goofy-glasses-hiding, older-sister-envying, sad sad little Jan.

Cheap Trick Rocked!

2005-10-14T09:05:00.000-04:00

Here's an ad for a concert I saw in 1979. I went with a couple of friends who got stoned, fell asleep, and slept through the band. Then a guy behind them dropped burning embers from a joint on one girls shoulder. It burned a small hole in her shirt before he flicked it off. She barely roused before drifting off again. What my shirt is burning, snoooooore.

I just want to know how can you sleep through a rock band?! Yay I get to see my favorite band. I pass out now. What a couple of idiots!

Swoon, he's got a Columbia!

2005-10-14T08:44:00.000-04:00

Remember when ten speeds first became popular? Wow! Although I guess I missed the boat because I did'nt "focus on Columbia" when I was a kid. Maybe that's why I didn't have pride of ownership. If only I'd had that Columbia bike, I would have been popular with the fellows and I wouldn't have had to loathe my own ten speed.... actually since when did a ten speed make you popular? The cool kids had the massive sissy bars on back and the extra long fork on their front wheel - great for popping wheelies or for loaning your bike to someone and watching them lose control.

Goodie Goodie Yum Yum

2005-10-14T08:34:00.000-04:00

Does anyone remember the Goodies? It was a British comedy that was shown on PBS probably around 1977. Tim, Graham, and Bill were always running around getting into trouble. I don't remember much about the episodes. But here are some foggy memories about a few episodes:

Eckythumpf - the martial art that I think involved hitting someone over the head with a blood sausage
Tie Me Kangeroo Down Sport kept playing repeatedly and I think people were turning into Rolf Harris
Getting stuck in the middle of the ocean taking care of a lighthouse because Bill thought the ad read a little light housekeeping.

I just remember it as a really funny show, and I'd like to see it again. Of course, this photo is from when I wrote to PBS to ask for more info and how I could write to the stars.

Dr. Syn, Highwayman....Scarecrow

2005-10-09T19:29:00.000-04:00

I saw this film on the Wonderful World of Disney. I don't remember much about it, except that freakin' scarecrow creeped me out.

Terrible Fashion of the late 70s

2005-10-09T19:23:00.000-04:00

In 1979 I started going to concerts. This was probably my third concert. Journey and Sweet - and Sweet was the opener! How they must have loathed opening for Journey. It was at the Civic Center, but was only a half house show.
At that time I liked actually getting to the show early and picking out a spot right down in front next to the barricade. I always brought my crappy little 110 camera to take photos. I took this picture of Steve Perry, which is the best photo of the night. Yet I still can't help be disturbed that his purple shirt is unbuttoned and tied in a knot at his midriff. Oh the humanity!

Bobby Freakin' Sherman

2005-10-09T19:18:00.000-04:00

Bobby Sherman always seemed really old to me and I could never figure out why he was all over the teen magazines. He seemed ancient. It was like having someone my dad's age in those mags. But I'll give him credit for having his own comic book. What I really like about this, besides Bobby in cartoon form, is that even though it is issue #1, it proudly proclaims to have all new stories and all new art.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...

2005-10-09T18:54:00.000-04:00

I really liked the Odd Couple. In fact, I liked them so much that I wrote them a fan letter. I have no idea what it said, but I did get a response which included promo photos and a postcard. The autographs aren't real. They're printed on the postcard, but it was still exciting to see them. It seems kind of odd to me now that as a ten year old I would be that into a show about a neatnick and a gambling cigar smoking sports writer.

Bigfoot...the name says it all

2005-10-02T11:42:00.000-04:00

The Krofft Supershow - where do I sign up? Kaptain Kool and the Kongs were the dorkiest band ever, but I adored Bigfoot and Wildboy. In fact, I was even a member of Joseph Butchers Fan Club - he played Wildboy. You just know I've still got all the fan club stuff, including a lovely 8x10 glossy of Bigfoot and Wildboy!

So to sum up:
Kaptain Kool and the Kongs?... lame lame lame and lame
Bigfoot and Wildboy?.... totally cool
hilarious new Magic Mongo?... doesn't even ring a bell, but in the picture he does look kind of like Joe Peschi, and I suspect if I can't remember him at all, he wasn't so hilarious.

Oh I also must mention that in the picture Bigfoot appears to be twice the size of Wildboy, but in actuality, he was probably about a foot taller.

I Have a Sweater With Your Name on It

2005-10-02T11:38:00.000-04:00

When I was three I must have written a letter to Mr. Rogers, because I have this picture of him that is postmarked from January 1968. Since I was only three years old, my parents must have written the letter for me. I'm sure it was scintillating. Now if only I still had my autographed picture of Sesame Street's Mr. Hooper - which was actually quite a disappointment at the time since I had written the fan letter to Bob.

When I Grow Up I Want to Be Just Like Them

2005-10-02T11:33:00.000-04:00

I am sure the prospect of the Sweathogs breaking up bothered my young mind to distraction. Now I just wonder why I thought Horshack was so incredibly funny. I probably would have resorted to verbal fisticuffs if anyone dared make a suggestion to the contrary.

Sonny Minus Cher Equals Failure

2005-10-02T11:27:00.000-04:00

Even as a kid, I knew this show was horrible and could only stand to watch it once. It must have been a complete shock to Sonny that Cher was the star of the act. I don't think it was on the air very long, but it shouldn't have been a shock. Because when people tune in to see a "comedy revue", they expect to see something funny.

I'm going to marry Shaun Cassidy

2005-09-26T08:58:00.000-04:00

Aaaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!! Shaun Cassidy! Oh my god!!! He's soooooo cute! And he sings too! Yup, I liked Shaun. This is actually a pretty good bubblegum song, and would have fit right in with the Top 40.

I'll trade you a peanut butter cracker for two Wacky Packages

2005-09-26T08:50:00.000-04:00

I used to love Wacky Packages. They were stickers sold in packs with bubblegum. The stickers parodied real products and were really popular in the early 1970s. I tried to collect every single one. Then I stuck them on my bike or in other stupid places. I think at one point I was sticking them all on the back of my bedroom door. Here's the only one I have left.

Mork and His Suspenders of Dementia

2005-09-26T08:28:00.000-04:00

I hate to say it, but I used to be a big fan of Mork and Mindy. Among the posters I had on my bedroom walls were two of Mork. Plus I bought one pack of the bubblegum cards. Yup, that's right, one pack. Even as a kid I found these bubblegum cards to be extremely lame. They'd have been cooler if there wasn't that stupid dialog on them. I really hope those weren't actual lines on the show, because they aren't funny.

I got a letter from who???

2005-09-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

It's really surprising to come home and find a mass produced autographed picture of Barry Manilow in your mailbox. It's even more surprising when you don't actually like Barry Manilow and have no recollection of writing him a fan letter. Was it an elaborate prank, or did I write to him years before in a fit of dementia? I never did figure it out.

The After Effects of Defacing Jan Brady

2005-09-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

In 1973 when I was sick, my dad brought home a copy of Spec magazine for me to read. It was a teen mag, but I thought it was terrible. 1973 was the same year I defaced the 5x7 fan club photo of Jan Brady.

Apparently that was the start of a life long process of blackening teeth and making thought bubbles on photographs of things I dislike, look funny, or deserve to be mocked. Here is my slide down the slippery slope that is photo desecration. I really seemed to throw myself into it.

I hated this magazine so much that three years later in 1976 I wrote on the cover, "Spec is the worst magazine I ever read. I like 16 and Tiger Beat." I also saw fit to sign and date that declaration. No one shall ask me why I hung on to a magazine I hated for three years.

Chip Hand and Rad Pera weren't bad looking kids. They just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Thus they were designated part of the clown brigade.

Ow, my eyes! That wallpaper is unbelievable...and I'd paper my entire house in it if I could find it now. David Williams had a twin brother named Andy Williams. He also posed in front of this wallpaper in the same clothing. I could never figure out what the Williams had done to get their pictures in the teen mags. I think they sang, but I never heard anything by them.

Poor David Cassidy. I never really liked David, but he's a sensitive soul. Here we find out the truth about the tears behind his smile. Well I say dance clown, dance!!!

Another group I never liked - the Osmond Brothers. Yup. In my eyes, one's a clown, one's got an old lady granny hairdo, and the other is apparently a spaceman as I've written beep beep above his head. I guess I spared Donny because he's the youngest and the cutest. I'm grasping at straws here, but I would guess I spared the other guy because he's got a picture of Tito sticking out of his chest.

Can you be Randy's girl? Do you really want a man who's got giant pink lips and the start of jaundice? I think not. I used to watch Emergency every week, but I liked the other guy better. Since I didn't color his whole face, I must have considered him less offensive. Either that or I was tired of doing clown faces.

The last entry in Spec's Clown-o-saurus was a double whammy. Donny may be a clown, but David is the newest member of Kiss, which in 1976 I considered a bigger insult. I even went so far as to decide whether they were stuck up or not. You see, Donny is close to his family and down to earth. Yet David is always whining about how tough life is and the tears behind his smile. Get a grip, man!!

Those Wacky Roommates - what will they do next?

2005-09-19T08:15:00.000-04:00

My mom wouldn't let me watch this show because she said it was an insult to my intelligence. Try explaining that to the kids at school when they're all talking about last nights episode. It was all the same premise anyway - there is a misunderstanding, usually about sex, but it's all straightened out by the end of the show.

An New World of Personal Electronics, Indeed

2005-09-11T12:16:00.000-04:00

This was part of the first stereo system I ever owned. I remember pondering the option of 8-Track or cassette...and picking 8 Track. The record player that came with the system was really touchy and often albums skipped when I tried to play them. That was such a drag.

The coolest thing about the 8 Track player was that it recorded! You could record songs off the radio. Plus just plug in a microphone and record your friends goofing around, or yourself singing. I still have the 8 Track I recorded on, but haven't dared to listen to it since the 70s. It would probably not only be funny, but super embarrassing to hear.

This weeks guests - Charo, McLean Stevenson, Eva Gabor, Bill Bixby, Larry Storch, and Shecky Green

2005-09-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

I loved the Love Boat. Every Saturday my brother and I watched it. You had to catch the opening credits to see who the guest stars would be that week. I can't stand to watch it now - it's so stupid - but back in the 70s, I couldn't get enough of it.

In this Halloween episode, hijinx ensued as Captain Stubing accidentally cut someone's throat with his hook while reaching for the rolls at dinner. Gopher thought it was fake blood and went into his vampire act. While Isaac - Your Bartender - freaked out about the torches in the Tiki Lounge, and Julie curled up to old actor guest star, Ray Bolger, in her cat suit. Truly one of the more disgusting Love Boat episodes.

Don't Mess with the Demon in the Spooky Black Satan Car

2005-09-05T11:43:00.000-04:00

This movie scared me. I admit it. Who wouldn't be scared? It's a creepy car driven by Satan! The ending was pretty stupid, but that car was so damn spooky. It even got into a garage without anyone noticing. The damn thing was everywhere James Brolin went. Maybe he should have married it. "I ,James Brolin, take you, creepy Satan car..."

Starsky and Hutch, Sitting in a Tree...

2005-09-05T11:35:00.000-04:00

I never watched this when it was originally on, but I have seen it in reruns and it's great - if you like dated seventies culture, and I certainly do! Is it just me, or does this photo really look as if these two are a couple rather than a team of detectives? I think it's the hand on the shoulder, the larger than life laugh, and the incredibly hideous shirt made from my grandmothers patchwork quilt.

Live! Action! Kids!

2005-09-05T11:27:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning - the best day of the week. No school, no church, and tv shows just for kids! My parents would only let me watch one show on Saturday morning. But if they were out, I'd turn the tv on and bask in the glory that is the live action kids show. I liked those better than the cartoons. Most of the shows were only on for a short time.

Monster Squad was about wax museum monsters who come to life at night and are controlled by a teenage boy. The teenage boy was played be Fred Grandy, who shortly afterwards shot to fame as Gopher on the Love Boat. Fred must have been in his mid twenties so it's odd that he's playing a teenage boy.

Also of note is Big John Little John, which was about a 45 year old teacher who drank some water from the fountain of youth and would change into a 12 year old boy... and back again. He couldn't control when he changed, so of course hijinx would ensue over and over again. The boy was played by Robbie Rist, best known for playing Cousin Oliver on the last few episodes of the Brady Bunch.

Robot For Sale, Says "beedie beedie beedie" and Other Annoying Things

2005-09-05T11:20:00.000-04:00

Buck Rogers was never one of my favorite shows, but I watched it faithfully every week. I was too young to notice that Buck's pants, if you can call them that, are a bit tight in the crotch. I guess it was the whole scifi thing that I loved. But if there's one thing I hated about that show it was Tweekie. I'm not even sure if that's how his name is spelled, but everytime I heard him saying "beedie beedie beedie..." it drove me nuts. In fact, just typing it here makes me want to punch that stupid robot in the brain.

Wimps and Tomboys need not apply

2005-09-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah! I wish I'd had one of these. I seem to recall the commercial showing a kid spinning out by pushing the levers in two different directions. But the ad says it's for "guys 8,9,10 years old who really know how to ride." So what if you're a girl who's a better athlete than all the boys in the neighborhood? Does that mean you're not allowed to own one? Did a force of security actually make you prove the gender of the kid who would ride it? And were you also required to prove that your boy wasn't the kid who screamed "We'll get in trouble" or "I'll tell" anytime some exciting caper came up?