Thursday, July 20, 2006

David Cassidy, Downer

There's nothing like daydreaming about which teen idol to date. Why I'll bet every teenage girl thought if she could just meet Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Jimmy McNichol, that the young male testosterone factories would fall in love with them and be the perfect boyfriend. Why, those fine young men are sensitive, sweet, and a joy to be around.

Yes, teen idols are always happy. Well, except for one guy, the mopiest moper who ever graced the cover of a teen mag, causing many a young woman to rip her own head off rather than be stuck in a room with him. You see, David Cassidy is a downer.

Here's David Cassidy. His heart is broken but he's a professional and the show must go on. This is as happy as David gets

David's mental state is going down hill. He starts writing letters about ecology in which he urges people to buy white toilet paper, recycle their bottles and cans, pick up any trash you find on the ground, and don't smoke. He also says don't litter. Somewhere an Indian cries.

Oh god, is that David over there in the corner? He's going to totally ruin the party. I hear his heart got broken. Don't look at him! I think we can sneak out the door before he looks up. Oh no, he's spotted us. Keep walking and pretend you don't see him.

I am so tired of this whiny mopey crap. Yeah, David, I know, she broke your heart, but she's not coming back. So quit following her around and trying to get back together with her. You're only half alive? What the hell is that supposed to mean? That's messed up.

The smile on David's face says he's more than half alive now. Yup, David's a happy guy. Unfortunately you won't be happy because everywhere you turn, there's David - at your office, driving slowly up and down your street, staring at your house, never blinking, parking in front of your neighbors, revving his engine, impersonating the paperboy, sleeping in his car, or standing like a statue outside your window. Um, not only is he a downer, he's really creepy.

As David ups his stalking ante, he tries to buy your affection with roses and sad puppy dog eyes. Unbelievable. Is there nothing he won't try to manipulate you?

Even the teen mags can't hide David's lifeless expression. They have to resort to pathos by imploring teenage girls everywhere to love this pathetic wreck by giving him a lonely little rich boy spin rather than the sad psychotic downer we know him to be.

Oh no, is that Cassidy again? What's he doing here? After bringing everyone down at the last party, I didn't even invite him this time. Man, he looks really pissed off. He's starting to really scare me. Don't leave me alone with him, okay? I think he just mumbled something about making me swim with the fishes.

Really David, just muster a smile and stop whining. Get a grip, man!


Anonymous said...

But he is so darn cute!!

Jimmy said...

Hmmm, looks like he might be headed for a Bob Crane-like ending. Poor bastard.

I've heard he's not very nice to his fans. Not sure, I've never had a chance to ask for an autograph.

I like Shaun better.

Anonymous said...

I'm a fan, and he has been GREAT to me! I've met him more than eight times, most recently in 2005, and each time he has been pleasant and appreciative of his fans. And yes, he's still so "darn cute"...luv than man.

Chris Jart said...

I can't believe David is heading for Bob Cran-ville. Cranes extra curricular activities in the bedroom are not what I picture for David.

I do find it strange that many of the teen mags seem to portray David as this sad sack. Teen idols are supposed to be happy, not moody and depressed.

I also like Shaun better. I could never understand the David phenomenon. Now that I'm older, I can see that he was pretty cute.

Also good to know he's been nice to his fans. I've also heard bad stories about him. The problem with being a celebrity is that if someone meets you on a bad day, you'll be forever thought of as a total dick.