Monday, November 28, 2005

Kiss My Painted Hinder

I didn't like Kiss when I was younger. I thought they were stupid. So, you justifiably ask, why did I buy some Kiss bubblegum cards? I have no freakin' idea. The only thing I can think of is that I liked trading cards, and I liked the taste and smell of the stick bubblegum that came with them. In defense of my theory, I did only buy one pack.

Huh Huh, He's Funny

In late 1979, Steve Martin was the man for comedy. King Tut was on the radio constantly, all the kids had his album, and he'd hosted Saturday Night Live. My Dad picked up tickets for my brother and I, and two of our friends. We had seats down on the floor, 10 rows back in the second section. We were all really excited about seeing our favorite comedian and he didn't disappoint us. We all loved the show and talked about it for weeks.
I took my little 110 camera to take pictures. His suit is pink, but it's hard to tell in the bright stage light. He's also got an arrow through his head and a banjo. Here's what I learned from this show. If you use a flash when you aren't anywhere near the stage, all you do is light up the back of the peoples heads in front of you.

The other thing I learned is that our friend Mike could not clap on the beat. If you've ever been stuck sitting with a person who can't clap on the beat, you know how annoying that is. It's also kind of embarrassing because it's so noticable. Good god man, you're the only one clapping on the off beat! What is wrong with you?!

Knock Knock. Who's There? Ghost Ship. Ghost Ship Who?

Another spooky book from the grade school book fair. I was always intrigued by ghosts and the creepy cover art told me this was a book to buy. I'm not sure if I ever read it, but I definitely enjoyed staring at the cover. It captures all the major scary stuff - skeletons, haunted houses, ghost ships and graveyards. What more could a kid ask for?

Monday, November 21, 2005

That Freaky King and His Freaky Head

In a more innocent age, Burger King gave out stickers to youngsters like me. I'm sure they figured we'd stick them all over the place, thus providing free advertising. But I didn't want their ugly stickers on my bike. Plus I didn't like the Burger King. So I defaced their stickers and proposed random foot against hinder violence against the King.

That damn Burger King has always annoyed me. I'm not sure why. I guess I just don't understand why someone would want to be king of meat. Oh plus, he has an enormous head. What is up with that? There's just something wrong with a person who has a head that big.

Keith Who?

When I was a kid, I had a crush on Danny Partridge. I didn't care about teen idol Keith Partridge with his stupid shag hairdo, sensitive puppy dog eyes, or his groovy clothes. Nope, the one who I wanted to marry was that little conman, Danny. So I felt very fortunate to have gotten so many pictures of Danny in one pack of bubblegum cards.

As to the eternal Danny or Keith question? Well lets just consider where they are now. Hmmmm, bitter arrogant pseudo-rockstar or wacky out of control addict in perpetual emotional turmoil?....Umm, I change my favorite to Chris (either of them).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Homemade Halloween Costumes of the 1970s - They Rule!

When I was growing up our costumes were always homemade. Sometimes it was annoying when friends had cool store bought Evil Knievel masks/costumes, but at least we never ran into another kid with the same exact costume.
1973 - a good year for pirates. Check out the wide lapels, the patches on my jeans, and the six gun tucked into my waistband.
1974 - my mom made these costumes for my brother and I. I'm sure you can tell who he is, but do you know who I am? I'm Captain Marvel Jr, god damn it!! In case you're not familiar with the Shazam comics, here is the Marvel family.
I think my mom did a great job on the costume. Where the hell else would I ever get a Captain Marvel Jr outfit? They certainly aren't going to sell them in stores. I am often asked why I, a young girl, would choose to dress up as a boy rather than go as Mary Marvel. The answer should be clear - only a wimp would dress up as Mary Marvel. Look at her. Granted I didn't have manly muscles, a package, or short hair, but Captain Marvel Jr was so much cooler. He was a crippled newspaper boy, who idolized the Big Red Cheese aka Captain Marvel, and wasn't even related to the rest of them. Yet he still managed to transform into a superhero.
1975 - my brother recycles my pirate scarf and shirt, yet adds a manly wooden sword. His friend Colin dresses as the standard hobo, and my friend Jennifer dresses as a hunchback, although I never did understand the bandage on her head or the blue eyeshadow. I couldn't decide whether to go as a sailor or a ghost. So I went as the ghost of a sailor. That is supposed to be a bullet hole on my bandage and blood running down my cheek. Looks like the ghostly white makeup has rubbed off, which begs the question what the hell was I rubbing my face on?
1976- I was too old to dress up, but my brother and his friend Mike were happy to go trick or treating. I don't think Mike's prison costume was homemade, but it's still cool. My brother's vampire costume is nice too. But those store bought teeth were impossible to speak with making shouts of trick or treat sound more like "rick or reat."

Monday, November 07, 2005

Vintage Defacement Art Lives Again

Once again I'm up to my old trick of defacing someone who annoys me. I was a big fan of Zoom and watched it every week night. My favorite person on the show was Jay. But when I wrote a fan letter to him, the response I got was a picture of David. What the?!?!?!? How annoying is that? Pretty damn annoying, I must say. But on the plus side, the other half of this item was how to make water walkers, which were definately one of the coolest projects they had.

David should consider himself lucky that all I did was make a mustache on him. I could have completely destroyed him like I did to Jan or those idiots in Spec.

Look Deep Into My Tv....Sleep!

Woah, imagine that? You're an innocent tv repairman working on someone's tv, when all of a sudden BAM - you accidentally discover the secret to hypnotism! How lucky is that? Plus, you're such a great guy that you're willing to share the secret with anyone for a small fee, because you have to support your growing family since you've hypnotized your wife to be attracted to you again.

Also I'm glad the ad states that no prior hypnotic training is necessary because I didn't think I'd be able to effectively use the top secret accidental discovery. I have confidence that we'll soon be a nation of hypnotists. So I'd better start hypnotizing people now before they learn how to hypnotize me....damn you tv repairman!!

Hobos Don't Wear These Patches

These are patches that I proudly wore on my pink denim jacket as a kid. I am not sure why I had a pink denim jacket. I guess my only defense is that it wasn't as girly as it sounds and it was the 70s. Six Gun City was a cool place where you could shoot a bow and arrow, watch an olde tyme gun fight, and... um well I actually don't remember what else you could do there, but I'm sure it was some sort of western amusement spectacular thing and tons of fun.

This is the only picture I could find of me in my pink denim jacket. Oddly enough, I am driving an antique car at Storyland, which was very near Six Gun City. Even the most incompetent child driver couldn't maim fellow park goers due to the metal rail in the ground that the wheels would hit if you got too far off course.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Hey Kid, How Much Money You Got?

I wrote a fan letter to Shaun Cassidy when he was on the Hardy Boys. In response, I got this invitation to join the Hardy Boys Fan Club. Ooooo, so let me get this straight. I love you and you're such a great singer and actor (squeal of teenage glee), and you want me to pay you money to get a mass produced printed autograph photo? Damn! I know it is impossible to answer every fan letter, but at the very least they could have sent a mass produced printed autographed photo of Shaun with their request for my money.

You know, I'm looking at this photo and it's starting to creep me out. Is it just me, or does Shaun look like he's about to take a big bite of my brain?

Congratulations, You're in Hell

In 1971 I went to summer camp at Camp Ketcha, which was a girl scouts camp. Being a shy child, there were a few girls that I struck up friendships with, but other than that I stayed out of the spotlight and kept to myself. In fact I was so quiet, that at the end of the summer, I won the Quietest Camper Award. I was completely mortified.

If there's one thing that's hell for a shy kid, it's having to stand up in front of all the campers, walk to the front of the building, and pick up your Quietest Camper Award. They were all watching me - with their beady little eyes! Their beady little eyes!!!!!!

First Aid....of the Future!!

When I mentioned how I got a Star Fleet Medical Manual for Christmas in 1977, a couple of people were curious as to what was inside this incredible futuristic medical book. So here are a few pages for your viewing pleasure. Disclaimer: I am in no way responsible for any adverse physical reactions or psychological episodes that occur due to the viewing of these pages. All parties agree to turn back now or view these medical miracles of their own free will.

Hey everybody, it's a Klingonoid Biped! Until I got this manual, I was unaware that Klingons had smooth genital areas, just like GI Joe and Ken.

If you attach the airplane glue to the bicycle pump, and shove the hose down your throat, you can get a really intense high. Stupid Gorn.....

I'm not sure why they included these sexual positions in the medical manual, but I would have preferred not to know what happens when a desperate lonely spaceman takes advantage of a drunken alien.

How many people are really going to be injured while sitting in a chair? Isn't this procedure a complete waste of time? Plus now it's far more likely that you'll need to figure out how to carry the many injured crewmen who have mistakenly sat on the stick.
I am far more disburbed by the patients enormous nipples than by his horrific burns.