It's a Bonanza of Unreadable Tv Related Paperbacks!

While I love teen idol and tv show books, they're pretty unreadable. In fact, I've never made it through any of these. I'm not sure if everyone is familiar with the show, UFO. It was made in Britain in the late 60s and they pronounce "u-fo." A live action show from the producer of the Thunderbirds - how can you not love it? S.H.A.D.O., the secret organization to combat the aliens, is headquartered under a movie studio and everyone's clothing is silvery and futuristic, such as it was in the late '60s.
I'm a sucker for trippy backgrounds, like the design on the cover of this book. And if the book has a photo of the characters in the show, I'm much more likely to become enamored with it. I'm glad the Mod Squad know of a groovy way to die because I was afriad death would be horrible.
The real Mission Impossible, not the recent Hollywood remakes with Tom Cruise (insert your own Scientology/Suri/alien joke here). While I was too young to watch this in the 60s, I enjoyed seeing episodes in reruns. Who could forget the famous words, "...this tape will self distruct in five seconds..."
It's almost inconceivable that the Leif in the recent mugshot could actually have been this cute, little golden haired teen idol. I'd make a joke here, but when you think about it, it's just so pathetic and sad.
Oh cone of silence, I love you so. I wish I had one at work, at home, at the beach, in the car, at a club.......and if only it would work correctly. Mel Brooks, Buck Henry, Don Adams, and Barbara Feldon - I salute you!

William Shatner Thinks He Can Kick Your Ass

I was a huge William Shatner fan in the 1970s. To clarify that, I was thin but fanatical about the man. Here is a very odd magazine that focuses on celebrities and the art of self defense. The fact that this even exists is puzzling. Did they really think it was profitable to print an entire magazine about this subject? Apparently, which is why we see The Shat karate-ing his way through his opponent, while shrieking "hiya" and praying the glue holding on this toupe holds until the end of this beating.

I'm genuinely perplexed about this cover, especially since it was published in 1974 during Shatners lean years. This was when he was doing B movies and had no money. So why did they put him on the cover? Another inexplicable link in the gold chain that is William Shatner.

Jigsaw Don't

Anyone remember Jigsaw and their huge hit, Sky High? I have to admit I still have a soft spot for that song, even though it's an amazingly bland, agonizingly lightweight 70s song.

I got this album at a flea market in the 90s. It's the only time I've ever seen it. You'd think with Sky High being such a big hit, that there'd be thousands of these at thrift stores. Maybe it's only the Northeast that is void of Jigsaw. Perhaps in California, they're ripe with them.

More Vintage Defacement Art

Here is the ad that prompted me to join the Brady Bunch Fan Club. I'm not sure how I convinced my parents to pay for this, but my brother and I had to share the fan club items. Consequently all I have left are the booklet and a hideously defaced picture of Jan.

My brother and I laid everything out on the table and took turns picking what we'd like, including the 5x7 portraits of all the kids. I know my first pick was Peter because he was my favorite. I also know I got stuck with Jans photo because there is no way in hell I would have ever picked that neurotic little basketcase.
Due to the size of the ad, you may not be able to see the defacement, so let's make it perfectlyl clear, shall we? I'm sure you already know that Jan is doomed, but was anyone else caught in the line of fire? Could any other little Brady have been so offensive that I felt compelled to deface them? Let's take a look -
Poor little Cindy. If only she hadn't worn what appears to be a sailors outfit, maybe she could have escaped. Then again, she does need to be punished for that horrible Shirley Temple imitation, and would have been far more annoying if not for Jan's total dominance in that category.

Disturbing Ad Makes Record Sales Plummet

Who thought this was a good idea for an ad? How is this going to sell more records? It's just plain creepy. As if the idea of a Ted Nugent doll isn't disturbing enough, they had to go and give it two hippy-esque crazy-Ted noggins. I don't know about you, but one thing I never wanted to see is a creepy two headed Ted Nugent doll. Let the nightmares commence...

David Cassidy, Downer

There's nothing like daydreaming about which teen idol to date. Why I'll bet every teenage girl thought if she could just meet Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Jimmy McNichol, that the young male testosterone factories would fall in love with them and be the perfect boyfriend. Why, those fine young men are sensitive, sweet, and a joy to be around.

Yes, teen idols are always happy. Well, except for one guy, the mopiest moper who ever graced the cover of a teen mag, causing many a young woman to rip her own head off rather than be stuck in a room with him. You see, David Cassidy is a downer.

Here's David Cassidy. His heart is broken but he's a professional and the show must go on. This is as happy as David gets


David's mental state is going down hill. He starts writing letters about ecology in which he urges people to buy white toilet paper, recycle their bottles and cans, pick up any trash you find on the ground, and don't smoke. He also says don't litter. Somewhere an Indian cries.


Oh god, is that David over there in the corner? He's going to totally ruin the party. I hear his heart got broken. Don't look at him! I think we can sneak out the door before he looks up. Oh no, he's spotted us. Keep walking and pretend you don't see him.


I am so tired of this whiny mopey crap. Yeah, David, I know, she broke your heart, but she's not coming back. So quit following her around and trying to get back together with her. You're only half alive? What the hell is that supposed to mean? That's messed up.


The smile on David's face says he's more than half alive now. Yup, David's a happy guy. Unfortunately you won't be happy because everywhere you turn, there's David - at your office, driving slowly up and down your street, staring at your house, never blinking, parking in front of your neighbors, revving his engine, impersonating the paperboy, sleeping in his car, or standing like a statue outside your window. Um, not only is he a downer, he's really creepy.

As David ups his stalking ante, he tries to buy your affection with roses and sad puppy dog eyes. Unbelievable. Is there nothing he won't try to manipulate you?


Even the teen mags can't hide David's lifeless expression. They have to resort to pathos by imploring teenage girls everywhere to love this pathetic wreck by giving him a lonely little rich boy spin rather than the sad psychotic downer we know him to be.


Oh no, is that Cassidy again? What's he doing here? After bringing everyone down at the last party, I didn't even invite him this time. Man, he looks really pissed off. He's starting to really scare me. Don't leave me alone with him, okay? I think he just mumbled something about making me swim with the fishes.

Really David, just muster a smile and stop whining. Get a grip, man!

Mr. Hyde Ate My Brain

Another cool book I got at the school book fair. How could anyone resist the creepy, hairy, fangy semi-monster man? Um, actually if I saw him in real life, I'd back away slowly, turn on a dime, and run like the wind. But on the cover of a book at the school book fair, when most covers are bland, harmless, oooo-don't-scare-the-kiddies type of books, this one jumped out, smacked me in the head and demanded I buy it. No kid can resist horror classics with disturbing covers.

The Mystery of Dracula's Castle

This was going to be my next post even before seeing a reference to it on Bubblegumfinks Sigmund and the Seamonsters bubblegum cards.

What kid wouldn't want to see Johnny and Scott in the Wonderful World of Disneys "The Mystery of Dracula's Castle!?" I remember being very excited about seeing this movie. Unfortunately I dont' remember anything about it. I'd really like to see it now as live action Disney kids movies in the 1970s were excellent!

Happy Star Trek Day

This is only one of the reasons that my brother and sister-in-law are fantastic. They gave me this cool record for my birthday. I never would have picked it up when it came out as I was too much of a snooty teenager to buy Peter Pan records. Heck, now I'd pick up any Peter Pan tv/movie oriented record I saw.
Here's the back of the sleeve which I must confess, is disappointing. I think it's the incredibly bland color of their outfits and the horribly stiff posing, which make them seem like something out of a wax museum. While the shirts of the 60s were bright colors, now the cast is clad in the soothing non-color of insane asylum walls.

Oh boy, the voices on the record are a treat. The planet's ambassadors inflections reminded me of Roddy McDowell in Planet of the Apes. Scotty had a brogue that only seemed to appear when he rolled his R's. Sulu sounded Asian. Checkov appeared to had marbles in his mouth, Spock's voice was completely generic, and Bones sounded like he was in a Southern Rock band.

And what of Captain Kirk, you ask? Let me put it this way. When I first put the needle on the record, I thought my turntable was messed up because Kirk sounded like an elf. After adjusting it's speed and hearing the other characters talk, I came to the conclusion that whoever is playing Kirk has a higher pitched voice than Shatner. This Peter Pan Kirk sounds a little like Casey Kasem...if he were an elf. (Insert your own joke here).

Oh, I also got this for my birthday - a salesmens promo photo on thick cardboard of Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Try opening up a birthday present and not bursting into laugher when you see this staring back at you.

Take a Hike, Nancy Drew!

When I was a kid, I was given some Nancy Drew mysteries. I stared at the well groomed girl on the cover, and decided any girl who looked that neat couldn't be very exciting. She didn't even seem to get dirty. From that day on, I demanded Hardy Boys books.

The Hardy's had better mysteries to solve. While prissy little Nancy was out getting her nails done, or complaining about the speck of dirt on her new dress, the Hardy's were crawling through mud, hiding in a hayloft, and outwitting the bad guys.

Yup those Hardy's always had the best mysteries: The Ghost at Skeleton Rock; The Secret of Skull Mountain; Danger on Vampire Trail; The Mystery at Devils Paw; The Sinister Sign Post..... what the hell?!?!? The Sinister Signpost???? Why that doesn't inspire anything but confusion. "Good god, that signpost... it's evil! Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!" (sound of body landing at the bottom of the cliff)

Honestly, from the cover it appears that the car might be the sinister one since it is running the Hardys off the road, and looks like it's shooting a laser beam into the Danger sign. But perhaps, just perhaps, the sign is shooting a laser into the car. And just maybe the sign reads, "Danger - this sign destroys cars with its white light laser killing beam."